Healthvues

One of the things our agency stressed to us and we always remembered was that most state’s definitions of what is financially allowable is fairly narrow - meaning, there is a short list of reasons to give money to a birthmother. The most obvious are access to prenatal healthcare (related to the pregnancy, not elective surgery, etc.), maternity related items, living expenses and such. We were told that the birthfather’s “expenses” were not allowable items, period. And we were told that some states, even if they allowed a broad range of things an adoptive family could pay for, there may be a cap. The reason our agency gave us for being conservative was financial - not to get in over our heads by financing a pregnancy with no guarantee that the adoption will actually take place. Our lawyer asked us to look at it from the perspective of a non-partisan judge in the event of a reclaim: by giving the birthmother/family money (of any amount, really), we are entering into an understanding that we are doing this with the expectation that she will adopt her baby to us. It’s a business relationship of sorts (how true). If she changes her mind, she could use the fact we gave her money against us - she could claim that she was under duress and thus could not make a sound decision, and that we were influencing her by giving her money. The judge will side with her on that basis just about every time. Being business owners ourselves, it was easy to look at it from a business perspective - would we enter into business relationship that was basically one-sided, where we were paying for a “product” without a legal contract, with no guarantee of fulfillment, where even a hand-shake deal (which is legally binding is some instances) is not legal, and we would have absolutely no recourse if the deal went south? Of course, there is the hugely emotional aspect of this whole thing - a baby. And because of this emotional aspect, sometimes logic and reason are tainted through rose colored glasses or forgotten altogether.

Coupled with this notion of being conservative financially, we had an honest discussion with ourselves that we were not going be desperate about starting our family. On many levels, that attitude helped us - it was very difficult, no doubt about that. But it was necessary for us. Desperation clouds judgement and allows false hope to creep in when logic says there is no hope. That included whether to continue fertility treatments, to continue contact with a birthmother when red flags abounded or what to do when a low risk adoption presented itself, but with conditions that we decided we could not handle (like too much contact and openness; legal hurdles such as the Native American Act; or health issues that we were not able to handle). This emotional shield - or blinders as we sometimes referred to them - really helped in “pre-qualifying” birthmothers who called us. It took us a while, but we became adept at diplomatically asking the hard questions right out of the gate: is the birthfather involved; do you have medical care; what about drugs; etc. And the honest, legitimate birthmothers surprisingly had no problem with us asking them or answering them. Birthmothers who contacted us had already seen our web site, so there really wasn’t anything about us that we hadn’t already put out there. But the questions they did ask were telling - and eventually we were able to identify, pretty quickly, those who could be potential financial scams.

One of the things our agency told us that could be a red flag is the birthmother’s unwillingness to work with our agency (intake, counseling, etc.). The agency recognized that a lot of birthmothers have this notion that she has to give her baby to the agency, then the baby goes to us - they’d rather give the baby directly to the adoptive parents. So, they may be hesitant, but birthmothers with a real adoption plan will most likely at least talk to the agency. If they refuse right away, that might be a red flag as an indication that something is not honest or they’re hiding something. Our agency’s goal was not necessarily to control all aspects of our adoption process (we wouldn’t let that happen anyway), but rather to help us qualify the situation that presented itself.

Also, on the advice of our lawyer and common sense, we made the decision that if we were going to help a birthmother financially (and there were some instances where we did in our successful adoption - more on that later), we were going to go through proper channels - we would set up a fund with our lawyer and she would administer it at our direction. Not that that was a guarantee protecting us from being scammed, but it was a legitimate and traceable fund source that would most likely hold up in court if a reclaim occurred. So we actually first told several birthmothers that we were not in a position to help out financially (that weeded some out right away), but that there might be options.

So what were the red flags that we found?

First, like I just mentioned above, if they’re not willing to contact our agency (the agency is not legally allowed to contact any birthmother - the birthmother has to contact the agency - again, the “duress” issue), that should tell us something. They may be hesitant because they don’t want an intermediary when contacting us, and that’s OK - it doesn’t have to be that way. Contact is what you make it. But if they are unwilling to at least have an initial conversation with our agency counselor, then they may be hiding something. This actually happened to us on a few occassions - birthmother would call us, after a brief conversation when it seemed we all wanted to continue, we’d ask if she’d contact our agency to make this formal, and then nothing after that. In one instance, we were actually hung up on at that question. Wasn’t meant to be.

Second, if the topic of finances comes up early in the conversation, especially if they bring it up first. There were several times this happened to us. In a few instances, the birthmother would immediately start talking about her financial or living situation (calling from a payphone, about to be evicted, car just broke down and can’t get to work…) - all may well be legitimate and real concerns - but they really didn’t want to talk about the baby, how she became pregnant or her discuss her adoption plan. Again, the agency question really helped in qualifying these contacts - and we did not hear from most of them again after that first phone call.

One couple was so brazen - we had an instinctual feeling that they were exactly the kind of scammers you see on Dateline, etc. Turns out they were. The birthmother called late one night (our agency said that was another red flag - calling very late to catch us off-guard, but we didn’t keep track of times) and seemed honest and forward enough. She asked us about our marriage, our religious beliefs and stability. We even heard a baby crying in the background - the one she said they were going to relinquish to a family they’d be choosing. Then she asks if I would talk to her husband, the birthfather. He seemed OK, but within one minute he started talking finances - and even went so far as to say we were more appealing to them because he understood our state’s laws to be more leanient when it came to the amount of expenses allowed, including the birthfathers! We always took copious notes during calls, and I remember starting to write dollar signs in big bold strokes. When I informed him that was not the case, nor are we able to give money directly to birthparents, his mood changed dramatically in an instant. They also were not willing to talk to our agency at all.

Turns out, our gut feeling was correct. We were able to get their names and address and it turns out they were indeed “known” to our agency - they had tried to scam a few clients 9 months earlier. Also - and this talks to the benefit of being a part of a legit online adoptive parent community - we found out through one of our secure chat rooms that they were talking with an adoptive single mother at the same time in another city. She had actually asked the group if anyone had had contact with this couple, because she had given them money, met with them, etc. and started to feel like she was being taken. We wrote to her to describe our contact and she called us almost immediately - this couple was indeed scamming her at the exact same time they were trying to scam us. I’m not letting my emotions guide my descriptions here - this was a bona fide, verifiable scam. We felt so bad for the adoptive single mother, but our defense mechanisms allowed us to move on quickly. Not so the birthfather - he called back a few times to try to keep it going, but when he realized we weren’t interested (we diplomatically backed away, saying the situation was not right for us), he actually started down a path of extortion of sorts! This guy was not a rocket scientist. We were willing to let go of the situation and get it out of our minds, but we all were so incensed at their actions that we contacted the authorities but we never knew what happened, if anything.

That was the worst one, but again our resolve prevented us from being sucked in. It’s the less obvious ones that are hard. And if an adoptive family feels desperate to start their family, the reality is clouded even more. We feel so bad when we see desperate couples and individuals, because we feel there are rough times ahead of them. And we know that if you stay the course, don’t compromise yourself, don’t take your eye off the end goal and brush aside those times that challenge your resolve, it WILL happen - we’re proof. For us, the financial scammers were pretty easy to spot. It’s the “emotional scammer” that’s really difficult… more on that in the next entry.