Healthvues

Another adoption scam show on TV last night - didn’t watch it but it reminded me to finish off this thread.

I talked about our experiences with potential birthmothers - some I would not classify as scams but just considering an adoption plan; some were only looking for money; and at least one that I might consider an emotional scam. But the majority of the birthmothers we came in contact with seemed honest but scared, and just trying to find a way out of their situation. Ultimately, none of them worked out for us (well, except for the one that did), but I would definitely not consider them “scams” but rather think of them as not being the right fit.

Sometimes this hesitation came from the birthmothers, sometimes from us. Going back to what I said earlier about not being desperate - how it really helped us tremendously in keeping a clear head about all this. But the other thing to keep true to is your conviction about what you can and cannot handle. When you’re beginning your adoption journey, most likely one of the first exercises you’ll do is to think about what kind of child you’d prefer (boy, girl, trans-racial, infant, etc.) and what level of birthparent relationship you’d be comfortable with (open, no contact, etc.). In addition, there are medical conditions that may present themselves that will have an effect on your family and your relationship with this child for the rest of your lives. And there may be legal conditions that may make the adoption go smoothly or have the potential to go horribly wrong - from the red-tape of the individual states’ laws (not so bad) to a situation where there may be feuding birthfathers (pretty bad). So these decisions should not be made lightly, nor should you abondon them when a situation arises that goes against those convictions. Believe me, it’s so tempting and easy to do that when you haven’t had contact from a potential birthmother in a while - and downright impossible when you’re holding what could be your child in your arms. We were tempted many times to compromise our decisions, but ultimately we didn’t - and making the decision to not become desperate definitely helped when were presented with these situations.

By these decisions I mean this: We knew that there were certain medical conditions that we, as a couple, were not equipped to effectively handle. We didn’t have any illusions (or desire, to be honest) that we would be presented with a perfect baby. From our research into crack addition, fetal alchohol syndrome and the like, and knowing ourselves - our strengths and weaknesses - there were only a few conditions that would give us pause and carefully consider if the adoption plan presented to us was the right match. Some of these centered around medical conditions (really only one - exposure to alcohol), legal (the likelihood of getting TPRs, Native American, some states laws) but mostly we were concerned with the level of interaction between the birthmother/parents (and in some cases, the birthgrandparents) and us. We most definitely wanted to get to know the birthmother and have her get to know us in order to determine if we’re all a proper match, but we were not comfortable with the birthmother playing a large role in our child’s upbringing. Yes, there are studies and stories that say it is not confusing to the child, and we absolutely recognize the virtues of a completely open relationship if it is in the best interest of the child. But it was not right for us - ideally, we wanted to find a birthmother who wanted to know us, wanted periodic contact every year or so, but did not want to be a part of this child’s life for life. That was our ideal situation - we were presented with many situations that went against these ideals (and we were willing to compromise on some of our minor decisions), but ultimately we stuck to our guns, the right match came along and it worked beautifully in the end.

It’s so easy as adoptive parents to fall into the mindset that we are the ones being looked at under the microscope - by the agency, by the government, by the potential birthmother… And that is true to a certain extent. But we were reminded by a few professionals that it goes the other way too. While a potential birthmother is trying to determine if you are the right match for her, you should be trying to determine if this adoption plan is right for you. Taking this a step further to the revocation period, it’s easy to feel incredibly vulnerable when you’re waiting for that 10 days (or whatever the law is in your state) to pass, hoping the birthmother doesn’t change her mind. But were to asked to look at from the standpoint that this revocation period is also our opportunity to change OUR minds, to determine if this is the right baby/situation for us. It’s incredibly hard to think of it this way - just when your hard-fought dreams may be coming true, why would we consider passing on them? But look at this way - what if your worst case scenario came true, that is, hypothetically, what if the five things you identified as conditions you could not handle in an adoption were all unexpectedly now presented to you? How would you deal with them the next day, the next year, 20 years from now? Again, it is so incredibly hard to think of these things when you’re holding a baby that might be yours in a few weeks, but remember this is a life-long commitment on all sides and it has be right. Talk about pressure! My point here is not to promote being a picky adoptive parent, but rather to carefully consider this potential scenario when you’re first meeting a potential birthmother - this may help avoid heartbreak on both sides later.

So what were some these situations we were presented with that gave us pause? I will state up front: we sympathized with each and every birthmother who contacted us and we always tried to help. We never simply turned any birthmother away who was not the right match for us, but rather we would give her our agency counselor’s contact information then alerted our counselor in case the birthmother called. We felt a duty to offer some assistance even if it was clear we were not right for her.

The easy ones for us were those who asked for money right up front. Sometimes they were potential scams (see previous post) but we felt the majority were honestly without means and needed financial help, sometimes substantial help. Even if we wanted to help, we were not in a financial position to do this - plain and simple.

The next easy ones for us were those who wanted a great deal of contact after the adoption - like attending all birthday parties, holidays, weekly (and sometimes daily) contact. In at least one situation, the birthgrandparents wanted to be a big part of the child’s life - to the point of insisting we use the birthmother’s childhood cradle and other baby items. This was the extreme case, but we felt like they were looking for babysitters and not adoptive parents. Still, we had a level of contact that we were comfortable with and we stuck to that conviction. Sure, we could’ve said anything to the birthmother, agreed to any level of contact, then not follow through after the adoption was finalized, but that would have been just plain wrong. We’ll go through a lot to start a family, but we won’t do ANYTHING, if you understand. Now, I believe some states are moving towards considering pre-adoptive agreements more like contracts that are actionable if one party decided to ignore them. But check with your attorney and your own conscience before considering that route.

The not-so-easy ones revolved around legal issues. Some birthmothers did not know who the birthfather was (legally, there are ways to deal with this, though this also presented some health/history questions); some knew but didn’t want to involve the birthfather (bad, because no matter what, he has rights too). Some were from states whose laws are not exactly adoption-friendly and would have presented additional financial and logistical challenges if we were out of state. Some had Native American blood, and to the extent that the possibilty existed that the tribe could claim the baby (check with your attorney about this one - it’s complicated).

But easily the most difficult is that situation in which it seems like a good personality fit between you and the birthmother/parents and all the legal issues are not, well, issues, but there is still a great unknown about medical or ethnicity questions. Parenthood in general (we’ve found) is a great compromise - and adoption is certainly a lesson in compromise to the extreme. But even if you are absolutely convinced that you will not compromise on the most important issues to you (and I’m saying you shouldn’t, to keep what is in the best interest of the child in the long haul), you never know if those convictions will be challenged until the birth - or maybe not even then, but later. Do you invest time, effort and finances into this situation or do you wait for a more (seemingly) compatible plan? We are of the very strong conviction that you owe it the birthmother to be honest about your intentions - do not lead a birthmother on if you have doubts and are waiting for a better match. Trust goes both ways - not only is that bad karma, it’s just not humane.

The lesson we learned? There are no easy ways through adoption. Yes, it is incredibly rewarding and looking back, we are grateful we took this path - it has opened up our horizons farther than we could have imagined. While it was the hardest thing we’d ever done in our lives, it gave us strength to deal with almost anything thrown at us in life. “Hell, if we can go through adoption, we can handle a company layoff!” No comparison. We looked at adoption as a leap of faith for all involved. We took a leap of faith that our daughter’s birthmother would be honest with us and follow through on her promise to relinquish her baby to us. She took a leap of faith that we were not stringing her along, that we would also follow through on our promise to accept our child. Adoption is a beautiful experience - it’s business transaction - it’s the most wonderful journey and the most difficult at the same time. But at the end of the day, we can reflect on our adoption experience and know that there was a person out there who thought so much of us that she wanted to give us the greatest gift we could ever receive. And that feels kinda good.

Our agency told us that these types of scams are rare and can be extremely difficult to deal with. Basically, these involve the birthmother making an adoption plan with the chosen adoptive parents, but never intending to carry out the plan - stringing the adoptive parents along, so to speak. The hard thing to understand is the motivation - why would someone want to do this? It’s not financial - they ususally don’t ask for money. Perhaps they have a real psychological condition that makes them feel like they need people to be dependent upon them, or have power over other people. (I’ve come across that in my professional life, so that doesn’t seem all that rare!) Sometimes there’s no baby at all. It’s so difficult because the adoptive parents are going along as if everything is on track and then - boom - nothing.

There was a period of time for us when it seemed we were getting contacts from two or three birthmothers per month. An embarrassment of riches and dare I say it almost got to be routine as most of them were not good matches for us - we became pretty adept at “qualifying” the contacts quickly. It was during this time that we received contact from a birthmother that seemed to be right - conversation was easy, she asked all the right questions of us and answered all our hard questions with (seemingly) honesty. I seem to remember that initially she even told us she was talking with another couple at the same time, but only to narrow her decision down to the “right” couple for her. And that was OK with us - a match has be right for everyone so careful comparison is expected. At some point, she decided on us and then contact was only with us. Whether there really was another couple or not, we don’t know. In any case, it felt right so we proceeded.

At first, it was surprisingly easy to talk with her. It was an equal mix of emails and phone conversations (she lived several states away from us). She was very open about her situation; she owned her own home (though barely able to keep it); she was in her ’30s and already had a school-aged son. Our beliefs in the world at large (religion, kids, balance) seemed to match perfectly. She wasn’t too sweet or too cold - but just like someone who was in a bad situation and was logically and methodically trying to move through it. She even sent us pictures of her and her son. She told us that she just could not afford to keep this baby and that the circumstances under which she became pregnant meant that she didn’t really want to keep it anyway (you can imagine what that might mean). Bascially, this seemed like the adoptive parents’ wish come true - a seemingly low-risk birthmother with a plan and determination - and she had “chosen” us.

Probably the only red flag was her hesitation to contact our agency (remember that qualifier?). She said she would, but she wanted to get to know us a little more first. Like I said, communication was easy - we got know each other and just had small talk between us for a time. Eventually though, we began to have doubts - only because the conversations never seemed to move beyond that small talk stage and into the real meat of planning for this adoption. She never asked for money or support (at least not outright) nor did she ever hold this baby over our heads or dangle it like a carrot in front of us - or at least we never felt that way. But talks just seemed to have stalled. We told her that in order to move forward with the process, we would like her to contact our agency counselor for an official intake call. (With our agency, it was not a requirement for the birthmother to work with them for counseling, etc., though there were certainly benefits for all involved if they DID work with them, but we also had a contractual obligation with our agency that once we established contact with a birthmother, the agency would be notified. And in this case, they were aware of the situation and were waiting for her call.) Eventually, she did call the agency. There were some slight discrepancies in the story she told our counselor and the story she told us, but that’s not uncommon so there was no need for major concern. Our counselor agreed with us that while this seemed honest and legit, there was just something a little odd about it that you couldn’t put your finger on. She told us to be on our guard. Which we were anyway.

I distinctly remember the night it all fell apart. For about a week, there was this air about our conversations that things were turning serious but at the same time they just weren’t making sense. I don’t want to say to that we felt we were being “reeled in”, because we didn’t really allow ourselves to fall victim to that (again, goes back to our promise not to become desperate), but looking back on it, that’s probably what it was. I remember that our attitude (my wife and I, that is) was that we wanted to get on with it - either take this to the next level or diplomatically back away from this birthmother and move on. Perhaps she sensed that, because that’s when things really got weird. Perhaps she felt like she was going to lose us and she wanted the game to continue (it felt like a game by now). The exact instance I remember that I realized this was not legit - and it hit me that this was probably an emotional scam that we had heard was so rare - was when she asked us if we were willing to also adopt her school-aged son. Never in any of our conversations had she ever hinted of that scenario - and in fact it was always the opposite; that she was adopting her unborn baby so she could better provide for her son. It was so out of the blue, it really felt like one those As Seen on TV commercials (”but wait! there’s more!”) - that may sound odd, but you really had to be there, so to speak. I guess we didn’t fall for it, because of instead of jumping at the chance for a two-for-one, we said we would definitely consider it, but given the surprizing circumstances, it was really now time to formalize our plan. She said OK but we never heard from her again. We’re not even sure there was a baby or even a son.

I mentioned that we were getting contacts from several birthmothers during this time. That really helped, because we felt we had options - or at least that we were doing something right because we were getting contacts and we now felt confident that eventually the right one was going to find us. It helped in that we didn’t allow ourselves to get emotionally attached too much with a situation that had this odd air about it. I can’t say for sure what our emotional state would have been had we NOT had these other contacts. And we had recently come off a tantalizingly close successful adoption (more on that in another entry) which was very painful, so we were understandably approaching any adoption contact with a bit of healthy skepticism. It was also during this time that we received contact from the birthmother who would eventually follow through with her adoption plan with us (though we didn’t know it at the time) - so to say that helped is quite an understatement.

We didn’t feel crushed by this experience, because again it just felt a bit odd. It certainly felt honest enough to want to seriously explore her adoption plan, but it never moved on to that level. Perhaps she was genuinely a lonely sole who needed companionship - or she was a real emotional scammer who, once she realized she was not affecting us like she needed, moved on to another couple. We felt no animosity towards her because once we realized it was not meant to be, we had to move on to the next opportunity. I guess the lesson here is that there will always be a defining moment in the process - the analogy of “doing something” or get off the pot comes to mind! But if it never comes to that point, then perhaps it is time to move on.

One of the things our agency stressed to us and we always remembered was that most state’s definitions of what is financially allowable is fairly narrow - meaning, there is a short list of reasons to give money to a birthmother. The most obvious are access to prenatal healthcare (related to the pregnancy, not elective surgery, etc.), maternity related items, living expenses and such. We were told that the birthfather’s “expenses” were not allowable items, period. And we were told that some states, even if they allowed a broad range of things an adoptive family could pay for, there may be a cap. The reason our agency gave us for being conservative was financial - not to get in over our heads by financing a pregnancy with no guarantee that the adoption will actually take place. Our lawyer asked us to look at it from the perspective of a non-partisan judge in the event of a reclaim: by giving the birthmother/family money (of any amount, really), we are entering into an understanding that we are doing this with the expectation that she will adopt her baby to us. It’s a business relationship of sorts (how true). If she changes her mind, she could use the fact we gave her money against us - she could claim that she was under duress and thus could not make a sound decision, and that we were influencing her by giving her money. The judge will side with her on that basis just about every time. Being business owners ourselves, it was easy to look at it from a business perspective - would we enter into business relationship that was basically one-sided, where we were paying for a “product” without a legal contract, with no guarantee of fulfillment, where even a hand-shake deal (which is legally binding is some instances) is not legal, and we would have absolutely no recourse if the deal went south? Of course, there is the hugely emotional aspect of this whole thing - a baby. And because of this emotional aspect, sometimes logic and reason are tainted through rose colored glasses or forgotten altogether.

Coupled with this notion of being conservative financially, we had an honest discussion with ourselves that we were not going be desperate about starting our family. On many levels, that attitude helped us - it was very difficult, no doubt about that. But it was necessary for us. Desperation clouds judgement and allows false hope to creep in when logic says there is no hope. That included whether to continue fertility treatments, to continue contact with a birthmother when red flags abounded or what to do when a low risk adoption presented itself, but with conditions that we decided we could not handle (like too much contact and openness; legal hurdles such as the Native American Act; or health issues that we were not able to handle). This emotional shield - or blinders as we sometimes referred to them - really helped in “pre-qualifying” birthmothers who called us. It took us a while, but we became adept at diplomatically asking the hard questions right out of the gate: is the birthfather involved; do you have medical care; what about drugs; etc. And the honest, legitimate birthmothers surprisingly had no problem with us asking them or answering them. Birthmothers who contacted us had already seen our web site, so there really wasn’t anything about us that we hadn’t already put out there. But the questions they did ask were telling - and eventually we were able to identify, pretty quickly, those who could be potential financial scams.

One of the things our agency told us that could be a red flag is the birthmother’s unwillingness to work with our agency (intake, counseling, etc.). The agency recognized that a lot of birthmothers have this notion that she has to give her baby to the agency, then the baby goes to us - they’d rather give the baby directly to the adoptive parents. So, they may be hesitant, but birthmothers with a real adoption plan will most likely at least talk to the agency. If they refuse right away, that might be a red flag as an indication that something is not honest or they’re hiding something. Our agency’s goal was not necessarily to control all aspects of our adoption process (we wouldn’t let that happen anyway), but rather to help us qualify the situation that presented itself.

Also, on the advice of our lawyer and common sense, we made the decision that if we were going to help a birthmother financially (and there were some instances where we did in our successful adoption - more on that later), we were going to go through proper channels - we would set up a fund with our lawyer and she would administer it at our direction. Not that that was a guarantee protecting us from being scammed, but it was a legitimate and traceable fund source that would most likely hold up in court if a reclaim occurred. So we actually first told several birthmothers that we were not in a position to help out financially (that weeded some out right away), but that there might be options.

So what were the red flags that we found?

First, like I just mentioned above, if they’re not willing to contact our agency (the agency is not legally allowed to contact any birthmother - the birthmother has to contact the agency - again, the “duress” issue), that should tell us something. They may be hesitant because they don’t want an intermediary when contacting us, and that’s OK - it doesn’t have to be that way. Contact is what you make it. But if they are unwilling to at least have an initial conversation with our agency counselor, then they may be hiding something. This actually happened to us on a few occassions - birthmother would call us, after a brief conversation when it seemed we all wanted to continue, we’d ask if she’d contact our agency to make this formal, and then nothing after that. In one instance, we were actually hung up on at that question. Wasn’t meant to be.

Second, if the topic of finances comes up early in the conversation, especially if they bring it up first. There were several times this happened to us. In a few instances, the birthmother would immediately start talking about her financial or living situation (calling from a payphone, about to be evicted, car just broke down and can’t get to work…) - all may well be legitimate and real concerns - but they really didn’t want to talk about the baby, how she became pregnant or her discuss her adoption plan. Again, the agency question really helped in qualifying these contacts - and we did not hear from most of them again after that first phone call.

One couple was so brazen - we had an instinctual feeling that they were exactly the kind of scammers you see on Dateline, etc. Turns out they were. The birthmother called late one night (our agency said that was another red flag - calling very late to catch us off-guard, but we didn’t keep track of times) and seemed honest and forward enough. She asked us about our marriage, our religious beliefs and stability. We even heard a baby crying in the background - the one she said they were going to relinquish to a family they’d be choosing. Then she asks if I would talk to her husband, the birthfather. He seemed OK, but within one minute he started talking finances - and even went so far as to say we were more appealing to them because he understood our state’s laws to be more leanient when it came to the amount of expenses allowed, including the birthfathers! We always took copious notes during calls, and I remember starting to write dollar signs in big bold strokes. When I informed him that was not the case, nor are we able to give money directly to birthparents, his mood changed dramatically in an instant. They also were not willing to talk to our agency at all.

Turns out, our gut feeling was correct. We were able to get their names and address and it turns out they were indeed “known” to our agency - they had tried to scam a few clients 9 months earlier. Also - and this talks to the benefit of being a part of a legit online adoptive parent community - we found out through one of our secure chat rooms that they were talking with an adoptive single mother at the same time in another city. She had actually asked the group if anyone had had contact with this couple, because she had given them money, met with them, etc. and started to feel like she was being taken. We wrote to her to describe our contact and she called us almost immediately - this couple was indeed scamming her at the exact same time they were trying to scam us. I’m not letting my emotions guide my descriptions here - this was a bona fide, verifiable scam. We felt so bad for the adoptive single mother, but our defense mechanisms allowed us to move on quickly. Not so the birthfather - he called back a few times to try to keep it going, but when he realized we weren’t interested (we diplomatically backed away, saying the situation was not right for us), he actually started down a path of extortion of sorts! This guy was not a rocket scientist. We were willing to let go of the situation and get it out of our minds, but we all were so incensed at their actions that we contacted the authorities but we never knew what happened, if anything.

That was the worst one, but again our resolve prevented us from being sucked in. It’s the less obvious ones that are hard. And if an adoptive family feels desperate to start their family, the reality is clouded even more. We feel so bad when we see desperate couples and individuals, because we feel there are rough times ahead of them. And we know that if you stay the course, don’t compromise yourself, don’t take your eye off the end goal and brush aside those times that challenge your resolve, it WILL happen - we’re proof. For us, the financial scammers were pretty easy to spot. It’s the “emotional scammer” that’s really difficult… more on that in the next entry.

Our very first birthmother contact came within a few weeks of our site becoming live. We were very anxious about getting “the call” and no matter how many times you rehearse, you’re never really ready. At least we weren’t. It was probably fitting that our first call was from a birthmother who was as green to this process as we were - we all were feeling our way through this. She seemed genuinely scared and honest, and we were a bit naive so we believed everything she said. We maintained contact with her for a few months, getting to know her more and more, but it became apparent that this was an unlikely adoption plan - at least for us. She never asked for money or support, but we eventually lost contact with her.

Until about 6 months after we finally adopted our daughter about a year later. Out of the blue we get an email asking how we’re doing and if we ever found our baby. Turns out, she kept her baby, she married and had another and was very happy. She thanked us for listening to her and helping her through her ordeal. Everything she had told us during our contact was true - she even sent pictures. I have to say that that made us feel very, very good - that the right thing was done in the end. She helped us too - being our first contact, we learned how to talk to a birthmother, how to move through the process of contact and questions, and how to accept a lack of contact after so much contact. And that sometimes a genuine birthmother keeping her baby is the correct decision.

The point of this is that not all birthmothers will follow an adoption plan and that is OK - there are those who are scared, do not know what to do, are alone in their decision making and need someone to help them through the through process. We were able to do that for her. To say she was kicking tires is a snarky statement, but it’s true. Any life altering decision needs to be carefully considered, with research and hypotheticals and ponderings. Having known her didn’t bring us a baby, but it did bring us a sense of peace.

As more birthmothers and birthparents contacted us, we had to remind ourselves of this, because it became rarer and rarer that a truly sincere birthmother contacted us.