Healthvues

Another adoption scam show on TV last night - didn’t watch it but it reminded me to finish off this thread.

I talked about our experiences with potential birthmothers - some I would not classify as scams but just considering an adoption plan; some were only looking for money; and at least one that I might consider an emotional scam. But the majority of the birthmothers we came in contact with seemed honest but scared, and just trying to find a way out of their situation. Ultimately, none of them worked out for us (well, except for the one that did), but I would definitely not consider them “scams” but rather think of them as not being the right fit.

Sometimes this hesitation came from the birthmothers, sometimes from us. Going back to what I said earlier about not being desperate - how it really helped us tremendously in keeping a clear head about all this. But the other thing to keep true to is your conviction about what you can and cannot handle. When you’re beginning your adoption journey, most likely one of the first exercises you’ll do is to think about what kind of child you’d prefer (boy, girl, trans-racial, infant, etc.) and what level of birthparent relationship you’d be comfortable with (open, no contact, etc.). In addition, there are medical conditions that may present themselves that will have an effect on your family and your relationship with this child for the rest of your lives. And there may be legal conditions that may make the adoption go smoothly or have the potential to go horribly wrong - from the red-tape of the individual states’ laws (not so bad) to a situation where there may be feuding birthfathers (pretty bad). So these decisions should not be made lightly, nor should you abondon them when a situation arises that goes against those convictions. Believe me, it’s so tempting and easy to do that when you haven’t had contact from a potential birthmother in a while - and downright impossible when you’re holding what could be your child in your arms. We were tempted many times to compromise our decisions, but ultimately we didn’t - and making the decision to not become desperate definitely helped when were presented with these situations.

By these decisions I mean this: We knew that there were certain medical conditions that we, as a couple, were not equipped to effectively handle. We didn’t have any illusions (or desire, to be honest) that we would be presented with a perfect baby. From our research into crack addition, fetal alchohol syndrome and the like, and knowing ourselves - our strengths and weaknesses - there were only a few conditions that would give us pause and carefully consider if the adoption plan presented to us was the right match. Some of these centered around medical conditions (really only one - exposure to alcohol), legal (the likelihood of getting TPRs, Native American, some states laws) but mostly we were concerned with the level of interaction between the birthmother/parents (and in some cases, the birthgrandparents) and us. We most definitely wanted to get to know the birthmother and have her get to know us in order to determine if we’re all a proper match, but we were not comfortable with the birthmother playing a large role in our child’s upbringing. Yes, there are studies and stories that say it is not confusing to the child, and we absolutely recognize the virtues of a completely open relationship if it is in the best interest of the child. But it was not right for us - ideally, we wanted to find a birthmother who wanted to know us, wanted periodic contact every year or so, but did not want to be a part of this child’s life for life. That was our ideal situation - we were presented with many situations that went against these ideals (and we were willing to compromise on some of our minor decisions), but ultimately we stuck to our guns, the right match came along and it worked beautifully in the end.

It’s so easy as adoptive parents to fall into the mindset that we are the ones being looked at under the microscope - by the agency, by the government, by the potential birthmother… And that is true to a certain extent. But we were reminded by a few professionals that it goes the other way too. While a potential birthmother is trying to determine if you are the right match for her, you should be trying to determine if this adoption plan is right for you. Taking this a step further to the revocation period, it’s easy to feel incredibly vulnerable when you’re waiting for that 10 days (or whatever the law is in your state) to pass, hoping the birthmother doesn’t change her mind. But were to asked to look at from the standpoint that this revocation period is also our opportunity to change OUR minds, to determine if this is the right baby/situation for us. It’s incredibly hard to think of it this way - just when your hard-fought dreams may be coming true, why would we consider passing on them? But look at this way - what if your worst case scenario came true, that is, hypothetically, what if the five things you identified as conditions you could not handle in an adoption were all unexpectedly now presented to you? How would you deal with them the next day, the next year, 20 years from now? Again, it is so incredibly hard to think of these things when you’re holding a baby that might be yours in a few weeks, but remember this is a life-long commitment on all sides and it has be right. Talk about pressure! My point here is not to promote being a picky adoptive parent, but rather to carefully consider this potential scenario when you’re first meeting a potential birthmother - this may help avoid heartbreak on both sides later.

So what were some these situations we were presented with that gave us pause? I will state up front: we sympathized with each and every birthmother who contacted us and we always tried to help. We never simply turned any birthmother away who was not the right match for us, but rather we would give her our agency counselor’s contact information then alerted our counselor in case the birthmother called. We felt a duty to offer some assistance even if it was clear we were not right for her.

The easy ones for us were those who asked for money right up front. Sometimes they were potential scams (see previous post) but we felt the majority were honestly without means and needed financial help, sometimes substantial help. Even if we wanted to help, we were not in a financial position to do this - plain and simple.

The next easy ones for us were those who wanted a great deal of contact after the adoption - like attending all birthday parties, holidays, weekly (and sometimes daily) contact. In at least one situation, the birthgrandparents wanted to be a big part of the child’s life - to the point of insisting we use the birthmother’s childhood cradle and other baby items. This was the extreme case, but we felt like they were looking for babysitters and not adoptive parents. Still, we had a level of contact that we were comfortable with and we stuck to that conviction. Sure, we could’ve said anything to the birthmother, agreed to any level of contact, then not follow through after the adoption was finalized, but that would have been just plain wrong. We’ll go through a lot to start a family, but we won’t do ANYTHING, if you understand. Now, I believe some states are moving towards considering pre-adoptive agreements more like contracts that are actionable if one party decided to ignore them. But check with your attorney and your own conscience before considering that route.

The not-so-easy ones revolved around legal issues. Some birthmothers did not know who the birthfather was (legally, there are ways to deal with this, though this also presented some health/history questions); some knew but didn’t want to involve the birthfather (bad, because no matter what, he has rights too). Some were from states whose laws are not exactly adoption-friendly and would have presented additional financial and logistical challenges if we were out of state. Some had Native American blood, and to the extent that the possibilty existed that the tribe could claim the baby (check with your attorney about this one - it’s complicated).

But easily the most difficult is that situation in which it seems like a good personality fit between you and the birthmother/parents and all the legal issues are not, well, issues, but there is still a great unknown about medical or ethnicity questions. Parenthood in general (we’ve found) is a great compromise - and adoption is certainly a lesson in compromise to the extreme. But even if you are absolutely convinced that you will not compromise on the most important issues to you (and I’m saying you shouldn’t, to keep what is in the best interest of the child in the long haul), you never know if those convictions will be challenged until the birth - or maybe not even then, but later. Do you invest time, effort and finances into this situation or do you wait for a more (seemingly) compatible plan? We are of the very strong conviction that you owe it the birthmother to be honest about your intentions - do not lead a birthmother on if you have doubts and are waiting for a better match. Trust goes both ways - not only is that bad karma, it’s just not humane.

The lesson we learned? There are no easy ways through adoption. Yes, it is incredibly rewarding and looking back, we are grateful we took this path - it has opened up our horizons farther than we could have imagined. While it was the hardest thing we’d ever done in our lives, it gave us strength to deal with almost anything thrown at us in life. “Hell, if we can go through adoption, we can handle a company layoff!” No comparison. We looked at adoption as a leap of faith for all involved. We took a leap of faith that our daughter’s birthmother would be honest with us and follow through on her promise to relinquish her baby to us. She took a leap of faith that we were not stringing her along, that we would also follow through on our promise to accept our child. Adoption is a beautiful experience - it’s business transaction - it’s the most wonderful journey and the most difficult at the same time. But at the end of the day, we can reflect on our adoption experience and know that there was a person out there who thought so much of us that she wanted to give us the greatest gift we could ever receive. And that feels kinda good.

Our agency told us that these types of scams are rare and can be extremely difficult to deal with. Basically, these involve the birthmother making an adoption plan with the chosen adoptive parents, but never intending to carry out the plan - stringing the adoptive parents along, so to speak. The hard thing to understand is the motivation - why would someone want to do this? It’s not financial - they ususally don’t ask for money. Perhaps they have a real psychological condition that makes them feel like they need people to be dependent upon them, or have power over other people. (I’ve come across that in my professional life, so that doesn’t seem all that rare!) Sometimes there’s no baby at all. It’s so difficult because the adoptive parents are going along as if everything is on track and then - boom - nothing.

There was a period of time for us when it seemed we were getting contacts from two or three birthmothers per month. An embarrassment of riches and dare I say it almost got to be routine as most of them were not good matches for us - we became pretty adept at “qualifying” the contacts quickly. It was during this time that we received contact from a birthmother that seemed to be right - conversation was easy, she asked all the right questions of us and answered all our hard questions with (seemingly) honesty. I seem to remember that initially she even told us she was talking with another couple at the same time, but only to narrow her decision down to the “right” couple for her. And that was OK with us - a match has be right for everyone so careful comparison is expected. At some point, she decided on us and then contact was only with us. Whether there really was another couple or not, we don’t know. In any case, it felt right so we proceeded.

At first, it was surprisingly easy to talk with her. It was an equal mix of emails and phone conversations (she lived several states away from us). She was very open about her situation; she owned her own home (though barely able to keep it); she was in her ’30s and already had a school-aged son. Our beliefs in the world at large (religion, kids, balance) seemed to match perfectly. She wasn’t too sweet or too cold - but just like someone who was in a bad situation and was logically and methodically trying to move through it. She even sent us pictures of her and her son. She told us that she just could not afford to keep this baby and that the circumstances under which she became pregnant meant that she didn’t really want to keep it anyway (you can imagine what that might mean). Bascially, this seemed like the adoptive parents’ wish come true - a seemingly low-risk birthmother with a plan and determination - and she had “chosen” us.

Probably the only red flag was her hesitation to contact our agency (remember that qualifier?). She said she would, but she wanted to get to know us a little more first. Like I said, communication was easy - we got know each other and just had small talk between us for a time. Eventually though, we began to have doubts - only because the conversations never seemed to move beyond that small talk stage and into the real meat of planning for this adoption. She never asked for money or support (at least not outright) nor did she ever hold this baby over our heads or dangle it like a carrot in front of us - or at least we never felt that way. But talks just seemed to have stalled. We told her that in order to move forward with the process, we would like her to contact our agency counselor for an official intake call. (With our agency, it was not a requirement for the birthmother to work with them for counseling, etc., though there were certainly benefits for all involved if they DID work with them, but we also had a contractual obligation with our agency that once we established contact with a birthmother, the agency would be notified. And in this case, they were aware of the situation and were waiting for her call.) Eventually, she did call the agency. There were some slight discrepancies in the story she told our counselor and the story she told us, but that’s not uncommon so there was no need for major concern. Our counselor agreed with us that while this seemed honest and legit, there was just something a little odd about it that you couldn’t put your finger on. She told us to be on our guard. Which we were anyway.

I distinctly remember the night it all fell apart. For about a week, there was this air about our conversations that things were turning serious but at the same time they just weren’t making sense. I don’t want to say to that we felt we were being “reeled in”, because we didn’t really allow ourselves to fall victim to that (again, goes back to our promise not to become desperate), but looking back on it, that’s probably what it was. I remember that our attitude (my wife and I, that is) was that we wanted to get on with it - either take this to the next level or diplomatically back away from this birthmother and move on. Perhaps she sensed that, because that’s when things really got weird. Perhaps she felt like she was going to lose us and she wanted the game to continue (it felt like a game by now). The exact instance I remember that I realized this was not legit - and it hit me that this was probably an emotional scam that we had heard was so rare - was when she asked us if we were willing to also adopt her school-aged son. Never in any of our conversations had she ever hinted of that scenario - and in fact it was always the opposite; that she was adopting her unborn baby so she could better provide for her son. It was so out of the blue, it really felt like one those As Seen on TV commercials (”but wait! there’s more!”) - that may sound odd, but you really had to be there, so to speak. I guess we didn’t fall for it, because of instead of jumping at the chance for a two-for-one, we said we would definitely consider it, but given the surprizing circumstances, it was really now time to formalize our plan. She said OK but we never heard from her again. We’re not even sure there was a baby or even a son.

I mentioned that we were getting contacts from several birthmothers during this time. That really helped, because we felt we had options - or at least that we were doing something right because we were getting contacts and we now felt confident that eventually the right one was going to find us. It helped in that we didn’t allow ourselves to get emotionally attached too much with a situation that had this odd air about it. I can’t say for sure what our emotional state would have been had we NOT had these other contacts. And we had recently come off a tantalizingly close successful adoption (more on that in another entry) which was very painful, so we were understandably approaching any adoption contact with a bit of healthy skepticism. It was also during this time that we received contact from the birthmother who would eventually follow through with her adoption plan with us (though we didn’t know it at the time) - so to say that helped is quite an understatement.

We didn’t feel crushed by this experience, because again it just felt a bit odd. It certainly felt honest enough to want to seriously explore her adoption plan, but it never moved on to that level. Perhaps she was genuinely a lonely sole who needed companionship - or she was a real emotional scammer who, once she realized she was not affecting us like she needed, moved on to another couple. We felt no animosity towards her because once we realized it was not meant to be, we had to move on to the next opportunity. I guess the lesson here is that there will always be a defining moment in the process - the analogy of “doing something” or get off the pot comes to mind! But if it never comes to that point, then perhaps it is time to move on.

One of the things our agency stressed to us and we always remembered was that most state’s definitions of what is financially allowable is fairly narrow - meaning, there is a short list of reasons to give money to a birthmother. The most obvious are access to prenatal healthcare (related to the pregnancy, not elective surgery, etc.), maternity related items, living expenses and such. We were told that the birthfather’s “expenses” were not allowable items, period. And we were told that some states, even if they allowed a broad range of things an adoptive family could pay for, there may be a cap. The reason our agency gave us for being conservative was financial - not to get in over our heads by financing a pregnancy with no guarantee that the adoption will actually take place. Our lawyer asked us to look at it from the perspective of a non-partisan judge in the event of a reclaim: by giving the birthmother/family money (of any amount, really), we are entering into an understanding that we are doing this with the expectation that she will adopt her baby to us. It’s a business relationship of sorts (how true). If she changes her mind, she could use the fact we gave her money against us - she could claim that she was under duress and thus could not make a sound decision, and that we were influencing her by giving her money. The judge will side with her on that basis just about every time. Being business owners ourselves, it was easy to look at it from a business perspective - would we enter into business relationship that was basically one-sided, where we were paying for a “product” without a legal contract, with no guarantee of fulfillment, where even a hand-shake deal (which is legally binding is some instances) is not legal, and we would have absolutely no recourse if the deal went south? Of course, there is the hugely emotional aspect of this whole thing - a baby. And because of this emotional aspect, sometimes logic and reason are tainted through rose colored glasses or forgotten altogether.

Coupled with this notion of being conservative financially, we had an honest discussion with ourselves that we were not going be desperate about starting our family. On many levels, that attitude helped us - it was very difficult, no doubt about that. But it was necessary for us. Desperation clouds judgement and allows false hope to creep in when logic says there is no hope. That included whether to continue fertility treatments, to continue contact with a birthmother when red flags abounded or what to do when a low risk adoption presented itself, but with conditions that we decided we could not handle (like too much contact and openness; legal hurdles such as the Native American Act; or health issues that we were not able to handle). This emotional shield - or blinders as we sometimes referred to them - really helped in “pre-qualifying” birthmothers who called us. It took us a while, but we became adept at diplomatically asking the hard questions right out of the gate: is the birthfather involved; do you have medical care; what about drugs; etc. And the honest, legitimate birthmothers surprisingly had no problem with us asking them or answering them. Birthmothers who contacted us had already seen our web site, so there really wasn’t anything about us that we hadn’t already put out there. But the questions they did ask were telling - and eventually we were able to identify, pretty quickly, those who could be potential financial scams.

One of the things our agency told us that could be a red flag is the birthmother’s unwillingness to work with our agency (intake, counseling, etc.). The agency recognized that a lot of birthmothers have this notion that she has to give her baby to the agency, then the baby goes to us - they’d rather give the baby directly to the adoptive parents. So, they may be hesitant, but birthmothers with a real adoption plan will most likely at least talk to the agency. If they refuse right away, that might be a red flag as an indication that something is not honest or they’re hiding something. Our agency’s goal was not necessarily to control all aspects of our adoption process (we wouldn’t let that happen anyway), but rather to help us qualify the situation that presented itself.

Also, on the advice of our lawyer and common sense, we made the decision that if we were going to help a birthmother financially (and there were some instances where we did in our successful adoption - more on that later), we were going to go through proper channels - we would set up a fund with our lawyer and she would administer it at our direction. Not that that was a guarantee protecting us from being scammed, but it was a legitimate and traceable fund source that would most likely hold up in court if a reclaim occurred. So we actually first told several birthmothers that we were not in a position to help out financially (that weeded some out right away), but that there might be options.

So what were the red flags that we found?

First, like I just mentioned above, if they’re not willing to contact our agency (the agency is not legally allowed to contact any birthmother - the birthmother has to contact the agency - again, the “duress” issue), that should tell us something. They may be hesitant because they don’t want an intermediary when contacting us, and that’s OK - it doesn’t have to be that way. Contact is what you make it. But if they are unwilling to at least have an initial conversation with our agency counselor, then they may be hiding something. This actually happened to us on a few occassions - birthmother would call us, after a brief conversation when it seemed we all wanted to continue, we’d ask if she’d contact our agency to make this formal, and then nothing after that. In one instance, we were actually hung up on at that question. Wasn’t meant to be.

Second, if the topic of finances comes up early in the conversation, especially if they bring it up first. There were several times this happened to us. In a few instances, the birthmother would immediately start talking about her financial or living situation (calling from a payphone, about to be evicted, car just broke down and can’t get to work…) - all may well be legitimate and real concerns - but they really didn’t want to talk about the baby, how she became pregnant or her discuss her adoption plan. Again, the agency question really helped in qualifying these contacts - and we did not hear from most of them again after that first phone call.

One couple was so brazen - we had an instinctual feeling that they were exactly the kind of scammers you see on Dateline, etc. Turns out they were. The birthmother called late one night (our agency said that was another red flag - calling very late to catch us off-guard, but we didn’t keep track of times) and seemed honest and forward enough. She asked us about our marriage, our religious beliefs and stability. We even heard a baby crying in the background - the one she said they were going to relinquish to a family they’d be choosing. Then she asks if I would talk to her husband, the birthfather. He seemed OK, but within one minute he started talking finances - and even went so far as to say we were more appealing to them because he understood our state’s laws to be more leanient when it came to the amount of expenses allowed, including the birthfathers! We always took copious notes during calls, and I remember starting to write dollar signs in big bold strokes. When I informed him that was not the case, nor are we able to give money directly to birthparents, his mood changed dramatically in an instant. They also were not willing to talk to our agency at all.

Turns out, our gut feeling was correct. We were able to get their names and address and it turns out they were indeed “known” to our agency - they had tried to scam a few clients 9 months earlier. Also - and this talks to the benefit of being a part of a legit online adoptive parent community - we found out through one of our secure chat rooms that they were talking with an adoptive single mother at the same time in another city. She had actually asked the group if anyone had had contact with this couple, because she had given them money, met with them, etc. and started to feel like she was being taken. We wrote to her to describe our contact and she called us almost immediately - this couple was indeed scamming her at the exact same time they were trying to scam us. I’m not letting my emotions guide my descriptions here - this was a bona fide, verifiable scam. We felt so bad for the adoptive single mother, but our defense mechanisms allowed us to move on quickly. Not so the birthfather - he called back a few times to try to keep it going, but when he realized we weren’t interested (we diplomatically backed away, saying the situation was not right for us), he actually started down a path of extortion of sorts! This guy was not a rocket scientist. We were willing to let go of the situation and get it out of our minds, but we all were so incensed at their actions that we contacted the authorities but we never knew what happened, if anything.

That was the worst one, but again our resolve prevented us from being sucked in. It’s the less obvious ones that are hard. And if an adoptive family feels desperate to start their family, the reality is clouded even more. We feel so bad when we see desperate couples and individuals, because we feel there are rough times ahead of them. And we know that if you stay the course, don’t compromise yourself, don’t take your eye off the end goal and brush aside those times that challenge your resolve, it WILL happen - we’re proof. For us, the financial scammers were pretty easy to spot. It’s the “emotional scammer” that’s really difficult… more on that in the next entry.

Our very first birthmother contact came within a few weeks of our site becoming live. We were very anxious about getting “the call” and no matter how many times you rehearse, you’re never really ready. At least we weren’t. It was probably fitting that our first call was from a birthmother who was as green to this process as we were - we all were feeling our way through this. She seemed genuinely scared and honest, and we were a bit naive so we believed everything she said. We maintained contact with her for a few months, getting to know her more and more, but it became apparent that this was an unlikely adoption plan - at least for us. She never asked for money or support, but we eventually lost contact with her.

Until about 6 months after we finally adopted our daughter about a year later. Out of the blue we get an email asking how we’re doing and if we ever found our baby. Turns out, she kept her baby, she married and had another and was very happy. She thanked us for listening to her and helping her through her ordeal. Everything she had told us during our contact was true - she even sent pictures. I have to say that that made us feel very, very good - that the right thing was done in the end. She helped us too - being our first contact, we learned how to talk to a birthmother, how to move through the process of contact and questions, and how to accept a lack of contact after so much contact. And that sometimes a genuine birthmother keeping her baby is the correct decision.

The point of this is that not all birthmothers will follow an adoption plan and that is OK - there are those who are scared, do not know what to do, are alone in their decision making and need someone to help them through the through process. We were able to do that for her. To say she was kicking tires is a snarky statement, but it’s true. Any life altering decision needs to be carefully considered, with research and hypotheticals and ponderings. Having known her didn’t bring us a baby, but it did bring us a sense of peace.

As more birthmothers and birthparents contacted us, we had to remind ourselves of this, because it became rarer and rarer that a truly sincere birthmother contacted us.

I was channel surfing last night and came across one those “investigative” programs on TLC. It was about adoption scams - or more specifically about one woman who had been scamming couples out of money on the promise of a baby, probably one of our biggest fears as adoptive parents. We’re told to ignore these types of programs because they are usually sensationalistic, not comprehensive (don’t tell the whole story) and not representative of the adoption experience as a whole. But I actually thought this program was done pretty well and accurately portrayed what (unfortunately) can and does happen in the adoption process - that there are bad people out there who prey on the emotional vulnerability of adoptive parents. The show was formulaic in its approach: follow a couple through the process of finding a birthmother, their contact and budding relationship, their reaction when things don’t add up, the “sting” operation and confrontation of the scamming birthmother and the aftermath/fallout. Turns out this “birthmother” (she never was pregnant) had been scamming other couples and even previous husbands.

I think programs like this are detrimental in one respect because they toss out difficult subject matter - verbal hand-grenades as I like to call them - and don’t follow up with the overall facts and stats about the likelihood of this happening, how often it happens, or most important in my mind, how to avoid it happening to you. To the population who are not adoptive parents, it’s easy to become judgmental about the perceived desperation of adoptive parents and the process. But as I watched it as an adoptive parent, it reminded me of our own adoption journey and the many birthmothers and birthparents we met along the way - some scared, some good, some bad and some really bad.

Our adoption journey really began around 1999, just when the internet was emerging as a viable resource for parents and birthmothers - though some agencies were slow to catch on. We had signed up with a national agency who was comfortable doing things the way it had always been done but was getting into using the internet as a means for expanding the reach of our Dear Birthmother letters (which were web sites). Since that’s what we do for a living (visual design), we had our own ideas about what to say and how to design our own web site. We were met with some resistance from our agency (perhaps they wanted more control?), but we did it our way anyway. In the roughly 14 months our site was active, we had contact from about 20 different birthmothers from all walks of life, experience and motivations - an amount we were told by our agency was unheard of at a time when most of our peers were getting perhaps one or two contacts a year. (Guess we were doing something right!) So I’d consider us experienced when it comes to dealing with initial contact from birthmothers.

My only real complaint about the TV program was that they did not do an adequate job of presenting what adoptive parents should do or watch out for (red flags) beyond one single line of copy (”use an agency and an adoption lawyer”) right before the credits. This blog thread will attempt to do that by presenting our experiences - the good, the bad and the unfortunate (meaning “bad” but not malicious - sometimes things just don’t work out) - and what we did to deal with them, recognize them and avoid them. For the sake of clarity, I’ll categorize the type of contacts we had - the types of scammers, if you will, and even some that were definitely not scammers but who did not really have an adoption plan. I’ll reiterate that adoption DID work for us, and while it was a rocky road, it was rewarding far beyond what we had imagined.

More to come…

The Journey
Toward the latter stages of our infertility treatments (see the Infertility Explained backstory blog), we began to consider adoption as an option. Actually, we had always considered it because it was not important to us that our child be biologically linked to us. But we did want an infant and, being first-time parents and inexperienced, we had decided there were some conditions we were not prepared to handle.

Foster Care
We contacted several adoption agencies in our area to get an idea of the process, cost and timeframes. On the recommendation of a friend, we contacted our county’s social services and signed up for the foster care/adoption program. We spent 11 weeks going through the parenting classes and more weeks going through the home study process. The classes dealt more with how to handle children were exposed to horrific situations - certainly there is a dark side to the human condition. While valuable, we thought the classes were designed to weed out the weak-stomached potention foster parents (and those who might be considering it for the stipends). But, they were supportive of those parents who were honest with their feelings and with what they officially stated they could handle and not handle. We were approved and put on the waiting list.

Long story short: It was not for us. First, we disagreed with the state’s mandate that families are to be reunited at all costs (with the exception of sexual abuse), which meant that the probability existed that a child placed in our care would eventually be returned to an environment that may not be any more safe or stable than when they left it. That would be hard to witness. Second, we were presented with two adoption opportunities which were not handled with the compassion we expected. The first was a new-born who was crack exposed. The social worker called us late one evening with the news. Not knowing anything about crack addition at the time (there wasn’t much information available), we asked if we could have until the morning to do some research to determine if we could handle it - she assured us we could have that time. We did a flurry of research, from internet searches, to late night calls to medical clients (who in turn called their contacts), and a lot of soul searching. We learned that there would be challenges but certainly surmountable with the right intervention and we decided we could do this. We called the social worker the first thing the next morning, as we promised, but she told us that after she got off the phone with us the previous night, she continued down the list of adoptive families and found one who take the baby - despite telling us we would have the night to think about it! We were very hurt by her actions, and she admitted that she misled us but was seemingly uninterested in our pain. This was our very first experience with coming close to an adoption.

The second opportunity came the morning we had to travel out of town for my father’s funeral, who had passed away after a few months of struggling after from a stroke. We had desired a newborn but decided we would be open to adopting a child up to about 3-4 years depending on the conditions. Having gone through the parenting classes, we had specified that we were not equipped to handle children who hurt animals (we had pets who we dearly loved) or who were firestarters. We were assured that there were many foster families with many more stipulations and this was not unusual and would be honored. Well, the morning we were packing we got a call from the same social worker as above - she had a video of little boy who had been with a foster family for some time and was now available for adoption. She came over and we watched the short prepared video together. The boy was sweet, happy, attentive and interacting with the foster family. We asked why wouldn’t the foster family (who had other children who loved this boy too) adopt him and she only told us that the couldn’t. All seemed good until we asked about his background (key: we had to pry information from her - she did not offer much willingly) and she informed us that his problems were he liked to start fires and he had been known to hurt animals - the only two things we stated we could not accept! She was bit pushy but we were adamant about needing the weekend to consider it, given the emotions of what we were going through with the passing and funeral of my father. She knew about our adoption conditions but felt he was a good match for us (based on what, she didn’t elaborate), but we were emphatic that it didn’t look like a good fit to us but we would still take the weekend to think about it. We did a lot of soul searching and ultimately decided to go with our gut instinct that this was not a good fit for us. When we returned, we immediately called her and informed her that while we appreciate being thought of candidates, we could not overcome the challenges this case presented. Her reaction was shocking - she was furious with us. She said that after showing the video to us, she went over to the adoptive family’s house and told them that she had found a match and even told the boy that she had found parents for him!!! Needless to say, we were incredulous that she could ignore our file, our visible reaction to the video and the very honest and clear discussion we had with her that we would probably not be the best fit for him! She then tried to shame us into agreeing to adopt him, but we made the decision right then and there that the foster care system - at least with our county, with this staff and at this point in time - was not right us. We pulled our name from the rolls.

Looking back, we came to the realization that the social worker was just doing her job - finding a home for available children as quickly and as efficiently as possible, even if that meant a little deception was warrented. Perhaps it was this particular social worker and perhaps our experience would have been different with another. We understood that the system is overloaded and getting worse - and we are certainly compassionate about all kids deserving love and a stable environment, no matter their background. But we were uncomfortable with the process - we were green and felt our inexperience was being used as a tool to place a child at any cost.

Private Agency - International
We briefly explored international adoption but the cost (at the time, given our situation) was prohibitive to us. We had several friends and clients who had successfully adopted from various countries and they were honest with us in relating their challenges. And luckily, we had one of the country’s most respected, well-known and successful Chinese adoption agencies located literally a mile from our doorstep. All the pieces seemed in place for us except that cost. So we tabled that option while we explored domestic options. (After our successful adoption, we actually came back to that agency and signed up for a Chinese adoption, was approved, made all the announcements to friends and family, but ultimately backed out when a change in the rules prevented us from including our daughter in this adoption process - we could not take her with us to China even if we brought along another adult guardian at our expenses.)

Private Agency - Domestic
We explored many domestic agencies, from faith-based agencies to all-inclusive broad-based agencies. We were realistic with the time frames and since we already had the home study from our foster experience, the cost was a bit more manageable for us. We had rejected the notion of open adoption because we feared involvement from the birthparents would lead to confusion in our child’s mind and would open the door for a reclaim at any time. Of course, we learned these fears were myths, but at a time when we were deciding which path was right for us, these factors fell into the “cons” category and not the “pros.” Plus, we saw the 20/20 and Dateline episodes devoted to sensational adoption stories gone wrong (another myth).

By this time, our financial situation allowed us more options. Honestly, I don’t remember why we didn’t revisit the international journey again - maybe because our heads were now firmly planted on a domestic journey. But now our decisions on which way to adoption were more motivated by gut feeling, emotions and what felt “right” as opposed to more logistical factors like the cost, timeframe and location. None of the domestic options we came across felt right to us in some form or another. Almost by accident, we revisited an open adoption agency’s web site (which we had initially rejected but still bookmarked) and discovered they had an informational seminar coming up in our area and we decided to attend. It was a lark moment that changed our lives.

This is where our exploration phase ended and our real adoption journey began. To read more, visit the Our Open Adoption Travelogue blog for a day-by-day account of our ultimate success.

Thanks for reading!

In March of 2001, we successfully adopted our daughter through an open, domestic adoption. Because of the many friends and family who wanted had supported us and wanted to follow our daily moves, we decided to keep a daily log of our journey. We would send out a weekly email blast to everyone. The blog that follows here is the compilation of that travelogue.

The Backstory
We married in 1989 and when we felt the time was right, we started to try conceiving to start our family. But like almost one quarter of the population, we found out we were infertile. We went through almost 10 years of infertility treatments (and almost all the while exploring adoption options - we were on two parallel courses), we were finally led to the path we were supposed to take.

Adoption Options
We first explored international options, since having a child that looked like us (at least as far as adoption was concerned) was not important to us. Plus, we like adventure - we like traveling and exploring new locations. But the expense of international adoption did not allow it to be a viable option for us. So we then explored public agency, or the foster care system. We took the parenting classes for 11 weeks so we could be certified foster parents (which would lead to adoptive parents). Unfortunately, our own personal beliefs did not match the state-mandated policy of the foster care system, which was to reunite biological families at all costs (with the exception of cases of sexual abuse). We were told that if we could not handle the thought of a child, that we may have become attached to, being placed back into the environment that may not be any better than when it was removed, then perhaps public agency adoption was not for us. We thought we could handle it but decided to go through at adoptive-only. We passed and were eventually presented with two different opportunites - but the circumstances with the adminstration of these opportunities (without going into detail) proved to us that foster care - at least this jurisdiction at the time - was not the journey for us.

We came upon Open Adoption through an internet search and attended an informational seminar given by the Independent Adoption Center (IAC). We immediately felt we were in the right place. We realized that open adoption didn’t necessarily mean that the birthmother (or birthparents) were going to be a daily part of our child’s life - a concept we were uncomfortable with. But that an open adoption can take many forms - including a way for the adoptive and birth parents to get to know one another to ensure that the child is a perfect match. This is what we had been looking for.

There are many blogs and forums dedicated to open adoption and the IAC in particular - many of them not flattering, but many also supportive. Our intention here is not criticize any organization per se - we had just as many rewards as complaints with our chosen agency - but to present a realistic description of an adoption journey - and a very successful one!

We passed our home study with flying colors. We wrote our Dear Birthmother letter in a very honest tone, and one that differed from the agency’s formula. We figured that a birthmother would be more interested in why we wanted to adopt, our honesty in our infertility, and not really care what the decor of the future baby’s nursery looked like. We built a website, again eschewing the agency’s recommended content and supported our own theory of openness and honesty. It worked - in the 18 months we were officially “available,” we had over 20 serious contacts from birthmothers - a figure that even astounded the agency brass. Our letter became a model for other adoptive parents.

We found that there were basically three categories of birthmothers: 1) those who were serious about adoption plans; 2) those who did not know if they were serious, just kicking tires (so to speak), because of the situation they found themselves in; and 3) scammers, both financial and emotional, who prey on the sometimes desperate adoptive parents. We had made a promise to ourselves before we began our journey - to not become desparate any cost, and that hard decision worked to our advantage in every single challenge that was presented to us. We had our share of birthparents from all three categories, and unfortunately we experienced one scam so disturbing that we called the authorities, but mostly they were from the first two. In fact, the very first birthmother was a young woman who had became pregant and didn’t know where to turn. We talked for a few weeks and got to know each, then contact broke off. Maybe it was sign, but after our successful adoption, she emailed us out of the blue telling us that things had worked out wonderfully for her, that she kept her baby, that she and her boyfriend got married, and that she was grateful to us for listening to her and being honest with her - unknowingly at the time, we had helped her through the most difficult part of her life. She was thrilled to hear we had adopted and she sent us pictures of that first baby and the new baby they had just had. Her life turned out great and we felt blessed to have helped someone so in need of compassion at the time.

Not long after that first contact, we were matched with a teenager in Atlanta who knew we were right for her. No need to go into the gory details here, but we experienced every adoptive parents’ worst nightmare - a birthmother changing her mind and keeping the baby. In our case, it was at the hospital, after the birth and at the time of sign off. One of our lowest points, to be sure, but with the experience of infertility and early struggles with adoption, we made another pact with each other that we would not get mired down with negative influences. In our journey, we had a singular goal (a child) and if you could not help us, then get out of our way. While this experience was painful, this attitude helped us through it - or least gave us the courage to table these emotions for a while. Besides, this was not the baby we were supposed to have. With every seemingly failure, our attitude (though very difficult to adhere to at times) was that someone or something “up there” was telling us to hold off - don’t worry - we have something far more wonderful planned for you. And it was true.

A very short while after that episode, we were contacted by the birthmother of our daughter. It was not an easy road - we became efficient at weeding out birthmothers who were not good matches for us (never just discarding the geniune ones, but referring them to our agency’s counselors) and asking all the hard questions up front (about drugs, alcohol use, etc.). There were times when we felt this was not the match for us and there were some extremely difficult times, but no matter what we did - us and the birthmother - no matter how much we each contemplated backing out, there seemed to be a force that kept us together. And the result was the child we were meant to have all along - through all those fertility treatments, through all those adoption option explorations, through all those other birthmothers - this is and always was our child.

Of course, hindsight is 20/20 and the joys of parenthood have erased the pains of getting here, but we would not change one bit of our journey - it has made us who we are as a family. Sure, there are some lessons that we think we really didn’t need to learn, but this is our journey - not anyone else’s - and we are so much more appreciative of the gifts we have received because of it.

The Match
Our birthmother found our web site and she put it, stopped in her tracks after reading hundreds of web sites in her research in finding adoptive parents. She contacted us through email - that was her preferred method of contact because it was easy. We spoke on the phone only a few times. We got the agency involved at the right time - in fact, that turned out to be one our first tests with potential birthmothers: if they were willing to talk to our agency, they were serious - if they weren’t, they probably we not serious or may be scams. She was but wanted all contact between us to be direct (as did we). After a few months of getting to know each other, we decided it was time to actually meet face to face. We were in New York, she was in Missouri, so we flew out to Branson, MO for a meeting. It was such an odd feeling, meeting a total stranger that is obviously pregnant (to be painfully honest, that was one of the reasons for the meetings for us - to see if she was actually pregnant), and that baby may be your child. Surreal… We discussed all the things the agency wanted us to discuss since we were doing this match meeting on our own without their presence - who would be in the delivery room, who would care for the baby while in the hospital, if there would be any entrustment ceremonies, etc. The details sounded silly at times, but we were grateful that we at least broached those details when the excitement and anxiety of the birth came around.

We also took the opportunity to set up and visit our home-away-from-home - Siloam Springs, AR. Through a very weird twist of fate, one of my clients (who is also an adoptive father) wondered why I looked so glum one day. This was on the heels of the failed adoptive above, so I told him, knowing he would understand. He did, of course, and further offered to give me the name of a friend of his who is an adoption attorney and genuine good person, if I ever wanted to talk to someone else. And, he says, if you ever find yourself in Northwest Arkansas, she would be an excellent attorney. We still laugh at that statement and how amazing that prophecy would come true a few weeks later!

You may know this already, but adoption laws follow states’ rule - and each state can be different in terms of revocation periods, representation, foster care during proceedings, etc. The laws that apply depend on where the baby is born. The birthmother lived just over the border in Missouri (which has some of the most arcane adoption laws in the nation) from Arkansas (which has some of the most humanistic). All agreed that it was in the best interest of the adoption if the baby could be born in Arkansas, so that’s what we all worked towards. We found an OB/GYN woman doctor for her in Harrison, AR, about 20 minutes from her, who in turn set up the hospital. Our new attorney set the wheels in motion for the legal proceedings. Her parents allowed us to use their guest house during our stay, because Arkansas required one of the parties (birthmother or adoptive parents) to be a legal resident of the state in order to adopt there. Since she didn’t, and we wanted to make sure we did everything to the letter of the law, we had to make the decision to physically move to Arkansas to become residents. The law states that we become legal residents after 30 days of residency. And those 30 some-odd days there are some of the best experiences of our lives. Talk about expanding your horizons! Not only are we kicked out of our comfort zone by infertility, but now to be kicked out of our physical comfort zone… and the people we met who looked after us, and the ones we didn’t meet who took care of us, will forever be in our hearts.

Which brings us to this blog. This travelogue picks up when we left our home in Syracuse, NY to “move” to Arkansas. Luckily, I have a career that allowed me to work remotely (and an employer who had the patience to let me do it, but in reality I would have chosen the adoptive journey over my employment there, so there really wasn’t a choice if they wanted to retain me). We had a dog but our family was able to take her and care for her while we were away (good thing they are dog lovers too!). And of course, we had our friends and family who prayed for us daily and kept in contact to boost our spirits when they were down.

So enjoy the journey - it was heartwarming for us to revisit it!

Maybe it was a sign of things to come, but we were greeted at the airport by a skycap who promptly told us our flight had been cancelled. No courtesy call, no planned rebooking. Then we find out we have too much baggage (what, we can’t take 4 bags each? With baby stuff, it adds up) and it was going to cost us another $75 per bag! The part of Spike’s brain that wanted to spew obscenities was quickly taken over by the emotions of the event. Through teary eyes, she mutters to the agent, “Can you cut us a break, we’re on our way to adopt our first child?” Surprisingly, this argumentative tactic works splendidly (we’ll have to use that in the future) and we get on the next Delta flight - which will theoretically get us into Little Rock 3 hours earlier, AND we don’t have to pay any extra baggage fees. Theoretically, because the next flight has cabin pressure problems (the optimists in us say it was better they found that out at 300 feet above sea level than at 30,000 feet up!). They find us another plane and we arrive in Little Rock at pretty much the same time we would have on United. All in all, we were still pretty chipper. Despite the fact that Thrifty Rent-a-Concept did not have our pre-arranged vehicle (apparently the notion of “reservation” is more of a guideline than company policy - anyone remember the Seinfeld episode?), we got a car, loaded our luggage and headed off to Siloam Springs - a mere 4 hours’ drive away down I-40. I remember driving this exact same highway nearly 20 years ago on a cross-country (and back) journey right after college graduation. Never in my wildest dreams would I have guessed that I’d be back on this same highway for a journey of an entirely different sort, though just as life altering.

There are times in a person’s life when the hand of Fate gently guides us to our destination. There are other times when we get slapped in the back of the head as if to say, “Whassamatter wit you? Whaddya thinking!?” It was such a time in a restaurant called El Chico, which loosely translates into “stay away from the burrito.” On a serious note, the CPR course we took (thanks, Sarah!) came in handy as Andy had to use the Heimlich on Spike several times in the middle of the restaurant. After all we have been through to get here, to come so close to losing it all because of choking on a Mexican meal complete with not being able to breathe was certainly absurd. After several heimlichs, Andy was able to restore breath and everything ended up fine….Be prepared for future lectures to all of you who are not CPR certified… Truly a very scary episode… we grossed out the entire restaurant and the busboy earned his pay. Oh, in case you’re wondering, Andy boxed all the food and ate it later. EDITOR’S NOTE!!! Let’s not forget one very important travel tip…With the exception of almost losing his wife in a Mexican Restaurant (without the benefit of a margarita, I might add), Andy is in a great mood ALL DAY…As any of you who have had the pleasure of traveling w/Andy will appreciate, this in and of itself is a miracle… Andy is never in a good mood on a travel day, he worries about everything, but go figure, he’s downright chipper…very weird….

We unpacked and set off to retrieve all the computer equipment that Andy had shipped out earlier so he could continue working. We discovered that the WalMart SuperCenter they were constructing in December (the last time we were here) was complete and ready for us. There seems to be a perpetual Ray of Light shining down upon it from the heavens and the Angels sing Halleluyah (or some spelling to that effect) everytime we step foot into this cathedral of Falling Prices - at least if you ask Spike. Everything wearable, edible, livable and cleanable - Sam’s pantheon to consumerism is our newest, bestest friend. Spike has become unnaturally attached to a marketing concept - but let’s not forget the unnatural reality of calling Arkansas “home” for 30 offical days. After stocking up on food and staples, we head back to our humble abode.

Maryland got spanked by Virginia on ESPN.