Our Adoption Journey Begins
by Andrew JohnsonThe Journey
Toward the latter stages of our infertility treatments (see the Infertility Explained backstory blog), we began to consider adoption as an option. Actually, we had always considered it because it was not important to us that our child be biologically linked to us. But we did want an infant and, being first-time parents and inexperienced, we had decided there were some conditions we were not prepared to handle.
Foster Care
We contacted several adoption agencies in our area to get an idea of the process, cost and timeframes. On the recommendation of a friend, we contacted our county’s social services and signed up for the foster care/adoption program. We spent 11 weeks going through the parenting classes and more weeks going through the home study process. The classes dealt more with how to handle children were exposed to horrific situations - certainly there is a dark side to the human condition. While valuable, we thought the classes were designed to weed out the weak-stomached potention foster parents (and those who might be considering it for the stipends). But, they were supportive of those parents who were honest with their feelings and with what they officially stated they could handle and not handle. We were approved and put on the waiting list.
Long story short: It was not for us. First, we disagreed with the state’s mandate that families are to be reunited at all costs (with the exception of sexual abuse), which meant that the probability existed that a child placed in our care would eventually be returned to an environment that may not be any more safe or stable than when they left it. That would be hard to witness. Second, we were presented with two adoption opportunities which were not handled with the compassion we expected. The first was a new-born who was crack exposed. The social worker called us late one evening with the news. Not knowing anything about crack addition at the time (there wasn’t much information available), we asked if we could have until the morning to do some research to determine if we could handle it - she assured us we could have that time. We did a flurry of research, from internet searches, to late night calls to medical clients (who in turn called their contacts), and a lot of soul searching. We learned that there would be challenges but certainly surmountable with the right intervention and we decided we could do this. We called the social worker the first thing the next morning, as we promised, but she told us that after she got off the phone with us the previous night, she continued down the list of adoptive families and found one who take the baby - despite telling us we would have the night to think about it! We were very hurt by her actions, and she admitted that she misled us but was seemingly uninterested in our pain. This was our very first experience with coming close to an adoption.
The second opportunity came the morning we had to travel out of town for my father’s funeral, who had passed away after a few months of struggling after from a stroke. We had desired a newborn but decided we would be open to adopting a child up to about 3-4 years depending on the conditions. Having gone through the parenting classes, we had specified that we were not equipped to handle children who hurt animals (we had pets who we dearly loved) or who were firestarters. We were assured that there were many foster families with many more stipulations and this was not unusual and would be honored. Well, the morning we were packing we got a call from the same social worker as above - she had a video of little boy who had been with a foster family for some time and was now available for adoption. She came over and we watched the short prepared video together. The boy was sweet, happy, attentive and interacting with the foster family. We asked why wouldn’t the foster family (who had other children who loved this boy too) adopt him and she only told us that the couldn’t. All seemed good until we asked about his background (key: we had to pry information from her - she did not offer much willingly) and she informed us that his problems were he liked to start fires and he had been known to hurt animals - the only two things we stated we could not accept! She was bit pushy but we were adamant about needing the weekend to consider it, given the emotions of what we were going through with the passing and funeral of my father. She knew about our adoption conditions but felt he was a good match for us (based on what, she didn’t elaborate), but we were emphatic that it didn’t look like a good fit to us but we would still take the weekend to think about it. We did a lot of soul searching and ultimately decided to go with our gut instinct that this was not a good fit for us. When we returned, we immediately called her and informed her that while we appreciate being thought of candidates, we could not overcome the challenges this case presented. Her reaction was shocking - she was furious with us. She said that after showing the video to us, she went over to the adoptive family’s house and told them that she had found a match and even told the boy that she had found parents for him!!! Needless to say, we were incredulous that she could ignore our file, our visible reaction to the video and the very honest and clear discussion we had with her that we would probably not be the best fit for him! She then tried to shame us into agreeing to adopt him, but we made the decision right then and there that the foster care system - at least with our county, with this staff and at this point in time - was not right us. We pulled our name from the rolls.
Looking back, we came to the realization that the social worker was just doing her job - finding a home for available children as quickly and as efficiently as possible, even if that meant a little deception was warrented. Perhaps it was this particular social worker and perhaps our experience would have been different with another. We understood that the system is overloaded and getting worse - and we are certainly compassionate about all kids deserving love and a stable environment, no matter their background. But we were uncomfortable with the process - we were green and felt our inexperience was being used as a tool to place a child at any cost.
Private Agency - International
We briefly explored international adoption but the cost (at the time, given our situation) was prohibitive to us. We had several friends and clients who had successfully adopted from various countries and they were honest with us in relating their challenges. And luckily, we had one of the country’s most respected, well-known and successful Chinese adoption agencies located literally a mile from our doorstep. All the pieces seemed in place for us except that cost. So we tabled that option while we explored domestic options. (After our successful adoption, we actually came back to that agency and signed up for a Chinese adoption, was approved, made all the announcements to friends and family, but ultimately backed out when a change in the rules prevented us from including our daughter in this adoption process - we could not take her with us to China even if we brought along another adult guardian at our expenses.)
Private Agency - Domestic
We explored many domestic agencies, from faith-based agencies to all-inclusive broad-based agencies. We were realistic with the time frames and since we already had the home study from our foster experience, the cost was a bit more manageable for us. We had rejected the notion of open adoption because we feared involvement from the birthparents would lead to confusion in our child’s mind and would open the door for a reclaim at any time. Of course, we learned these fears were myths, but at a time when we were deciding which path was right for us, these factors fell into the “cons” category and not the “pros.” Plus, we saw the 20/20 and Dateline episodes devoted to sensational adoption stories gone wrong (another myth).
By this time, our financial situation allowed us more options. Honestly, I don’t remember why we didn’t revisit the international journey again - maybe because our heads were now firmly planted on a domestic journey. But now our decisions on which way to adoption were more motivated by gut feeling, emotions and what felt “right” as opposed to more logistical factors like the cost, timeframe and location. None of the domestic options we came across felt right to us in some form or another. Almost by accident, we revisited an open adoption agency’s web site (which we had initially rejected but still bookmarked) and discovered they had an informational seminar coming up in our area and we decided to attend. It was a lark moment that changed our lives.
This is where our exploration phase ended and our real adoption journey began. To read more, visit the Our Open Adoption Travelogue blog for a day-by-day account of our ultimate success.
Thanks for reading!
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