Healthvues

In March of 2001, we successfully adopted our daughter through an open, domestic adoption. Because of the many friends and family who wanted had supported us and wanted to follow our daily moves, we decided to keep a daily log of our journey. We would send out a weekly email blast to everyone. The blog that follows here is the compilation of that travelogue.

The Backstory
We married in 1989 and when we felt the time was right, we started to try conceiving to start our family. But like almost one quarter of the population, we found out we were infertile. We went through almost 10 years of infertility treatments (and almost all the while exploring adoption options - we were on two parallel courses), we were finally led to the path we were supposed to take.

Adoption Options
We first explored international options, since having a child that looked like us (at least as far as adoption was concerned) was not important to us. Plus, we like adventure - we like traveling and exploring new locations. But the expense of international adoption did not allow it to be a viable option for us. So we then explored public agency, or the foster care system. We took the parenting classes for 11 weeks so we could be certified foster parents (which would lead to adoptive parents). Unfortunately, our own personal beliefs did not match the state-mandated policy of the foster care system, which was to reunite biological families at all costs (with the exception of cases of sexual abuse). We were told that if we could not handle the thought of a child, that we may have become attached to, being placed back into the environment that may not be any better than when it was removed, then perhaps public agency adoption was not for us. We thought we could handle it but decided to go through at adoptive-only. We passed and were eventually presented with two different opportunites - but the circumstances with the adminstration of these opportunities (without going into detail) proved to us that foster care - at least this jurisdiction at the time - was not the journey for us.

We came upon Open Adoption through an internet search and attended an informational seminar given by the Independent Adoption Center (IAC). We immediately felt we were in the right place. We realized that open adoption didn’t necessarily mean that the birthmother (or birthparents) were going to be a daily part of our child’s life - a concept we were uncomfortable with. But that an open adoption can take many forms - including a way for the adoptive and birth parents to get to know one another to ensure that the child is a perfect match. This is what we had been looking for.

There are many blogs and forums dedicated to open adoption and the IAC in particular - many of them not flattering, but many also supportive. Our intention here is not criticize any organization per se - we had just as many rewards as complaints with our chosen agency - but to present a realistic description of an adoption journey - and a very successful one!

We passed our home study with flying colors. We wrote our Dear Birthmother letter in a very honest tone, and one that differed from the agency’s formula. We figured that a birthmother would be more interested in why we wanted to adopt, our honesty in our infertility, and not really care what the decor of the future baby’s nursery looked like. We built a website, again eschewing the agency’s recommended content and supported our own theory of openness and honesty. It worked - in the 18 months we were officially “available,” we had over 20 serious contacts from birthmothers - a figure that even astounded the agency brass. Our letter became a model for other adoptive parents.

We found that there were basically three categories of birthmothers: 1) those who were serious about adoption plans; 2) those who did not know if they were serious, just kicking tires (so to speak), because of the situation they found themselves in; and 3) scammers, both financial and emotional, who prey on the sometimes desperate adoptive parents. We had made a promise to ourselves before we began our journey - to not become desparate any cost, and that hard decision worked to our advantage in every single challenge that was presented to us. We had our share of birthparents from all three categories, and unfortunately we experienced one scam so disturbing that we called the authorities, but mostly they were from the first two. In fact, the very first birthmother was a young woman who had became pregant and didn’t know where to turn. We talked for a few weeks and got to know each, then contact broke off. Maybe it was sign, but after our successful adoption, she emailed us out of the blue telling us that things had worked out wonderfully for her, that she kept her baby, that she and her boyfriend got married, and that she was grateful to us for listening to her and being honest with her - unknowingly at the time, we had helped her through the most difficult part of her life. She was thrilled to hear we had adopted and she sent us pictures of that first baby and the new baby they had just had. Her life turned out great and we felt blessed to have helped someone so in need of compassion at the time.

Not long after that first contact, we were matched with a teenager in Atlanta who knew we were right for her. No need to go into the gory details here, but we experienced every adoptive parents’ worst nightmare - a birthmother changing her mind and keeping the baby. In our case, it was at the hospital, after the birth and at the time of sign off. One of our lowest points, to be sure, but with the experience of infertility and early struggles with adoption, we made another pact with each other that we would not get mired down with negative influences. In our journey, we had a singular goal (a child) and if you could not help us, then get out of our way. While this experience was painful, this attitude helped us through it - or least gave us the courage to table these emotions for a while. Besides, this was not the baby we were supposed to have. With every seemingly failure, our attitude (though very difficult to adhere to at times) was that someone or something “up there” was telling us to hold off - don’t worry - we have something far more wonderful planned for you. And it was true.

A very short while after that episode, we were contacted by the birthmother of our daughter. It was not an easy road - we became efficient at weeding out birthmothers who were not good matches for us (never just discarding the geniune ones, but referring them to our agency’s counselors) and asking all the hard questions up front (about drugs, alcohol use, etc.). There were times when we felt this was not the match for us and there were some extremely difficult times, but no matter what we did - us and the birthmother - no matter how much we each contemplated backing out, there seemed to be a force that kept us together. And the result was the child we were meant to have all along - through all those fertility treatments, through all those adoption option explorations, through all those other birthmothers - this is and always was our child.

Of course, hindsight is 20/20 and the joys of parenthood have erased the pains of getting here, but we would not change one bit of our journey - it has made us who we are as a family. Sure, there are some lessons that we think we really didn’t need to learn, but this is our journey - not anyone else’s - and we are so much more appreciative of the gifts we have received because of it.

The Match
Our birthmother found our web site and she put it, stopped in her tracks after reading hundreds of web sites in her research in finding adoptive parents. She contacted us through email - that was her preferred method of contact because it was easy. We spoke on the phone only a few times. We got the agency involved at the right time - in fact, that turned out to be one our first tests with potential birthmothers: if they were willing to talk to our agency, they were serious - if they weren’t, they probably we not serious or may be scams. She was but wanted all contact between us to be direct (as did we). After a few months of getting to know each other, we decided it was time to actually meet face to face. We were in New York, she was in Missouri, so we flew out to Branson, MO for a meeting. It was such an odd feeling, meeting a total stranger that is obviously pregnant (to be painfully honest, that was one of the reasons for the meetings for us - to see if she was actually pregnant), and that baby may be your child. Surreal… We discussed all the things the agency wanted us to discuss since we were doing this match meeting on our own without their presence - who would be in the delivery room, who would care for the baby while in the hospital, if there would be any entrustment ceremonies, etc. The details sounded silly at times, but we were grateful that we at least broached those details when the excitement and anxiety of the birth came around.

We also took the opportunity to set up and visit our home-away-from-home - Siloam Springs, AR. Through a very weird twist of fate, one of my clients (who is also an adoptive father) wondered why I looked so glum one day. This was on the heels of the failed adoptive above, so I told him, knowing he would understand. He did, of course, and further offered to give me the name of a friend of his who is an adoption attorney and genuine good person, if I ever wanted to talk to someone else. And, he says, if you ever find yourself in Northwest Arkansas, she would be an excellent attorney. We still laugh at that statement and how amazing that prophecy would come true a few weeks later!

You may know this already, but adoption laws follow states’ rule - and each state can be different in terms of revocation periods, representation, foster care during proceedings, etc. The laws that apply depend on where the baby is born. The birthmother lived just over the border in Missouri (which has some of the most arcane adoption laws in the nation) from Arkansas (which has some of the most humanistic). All agreed that it was in the best interest of the adoption if the baby could be born in Arkansas, so that’s what we all worked towards. We found an OB/GYN woman doctor for her in Harrison, AR, about 20 minutes from her, who in turn set up the hospital. Our new attorney set the wheels in motion for the legal proceedings. Her parents allowed us to use their guest house during our stay, because Arkansas required one of the parties (birthmother or adoptive parents) to be a legal resident of the state in order to adopt there. Since she didn’t, and we wanted to make sure we did everything to the letter of the law, we had to make the decision to physically move to Arkansas to become residents. The law states that we become legal residents after 30 days of residency. And those 30 some-odd days there are some of the best experiences of our lives. Talk about expanding your horizons! Not only are we kicked out of our comfort zone by infertility, but now to be kicked out of our physical comfort zone… and the people we met who looked after us, and the ones we didn’t meet who took care of us, will forever be in our hearts.

Which brings us to this blog. This travelogue picks up when we left our home in Syracuse, NY to “move” to Arkansas. Luckily, I have a career that allowed me to work remotely (and an employer who had the patience to let me do it, but in reality I would have chosen the adoptive journey over my employment there, so there really wasn’t a choice if they wanted to retain me). We had a dog but our family was able to take her and care for her while we were away (good thing they are dog lovers too!). And of course, we had our friends and family who prayed for us daily and kept in contact to boost our spirits when they were down.

So enjoy the journey - it was heartwarming for us to revisit it!

This entry was posted on Wednesday, December 26th, 2007 at 9:18 am and is filed under Our Open Adoption Story. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.