Kicking Tires - Considering an Adoption Plan

Our very first birthmother contact came within a few weeks of our site becoming live. We were very anxious about getting “the call” and no matter how many times you rehearse, you’re never really ready. At least we weren’t. It was probably fitting that our first call was from a birthmother who was as green to this process as we were - we all were feeling our way through this. She seemed genuinely scared and honest, and we were a bit naive so we believed everything she said. We maintained contact with her for a few months, getting to know her more and more, but it became apparent that this was an unlikely adoption plan - at least for us. She never asked for money or support, but we eventually lost contact with her.

Until about 6 months after we finally adopted our daughter about a year later. Out of the blue we get an email asking how we’re doing and if we ever found our baby. Turns out, she kept her baby, she married and had another and was very happy. She thanked us for listening to her and helping her through her ordeal. Everything she had told us during our contact was true - she even sent pictures. I have to say that that made us feel very, very good - that the right thing was done in the end. She helped us too - being our first contact, we learned how to talk to a birthmother, how to move through the process of contact and questions, and how to accept a lack of contact after so much contact. And that sometimes a genuine birthmother keeping her baby is the correct decision.

The point of this is that not all birthmothers will follow an adoption plan and that is OK - there are those who are scared, do not know what to do, are alone in their decision making and need someone to help them through the through process. We were able to do that for her. To say she was kicking tires is a snarky statement, but it’s true. Any life altering decision needs to be carefully considered, with research and hypotheticals and ponderings. Having known her didn’t bring us a baby, but it did bring us a sense of peace.

As more birthmothers and birthparents contacted us, we had to remind ourselves of this, because it became rarer and rarer that a truly sincere birthmother contacted us.