Healthvues

Another adoption scam show on TV last night - didn’t watch it but it reminded me to finish off this thread.

I talked about our experiences with potential birthmothers - some I would not classify as scams but just considering an adoption plan; some were only looking for money; and at least one that I might consider an emotional scam. But the majority of the birthmothers we came in contact with seemed honest but scared, and just trying to find a way out of their situation. Ultimately, none of them worked out for us (well, except for the one that did), but I would definitely not consider them “scams” but rather think of them as not being the right fit.

Sometimes this hesitation came from the birthmothers, sometimes from us. Going back to what I said earlier about not being desperate - how it really helped us tremendously in keeping a clear head about all this. But the other thing to keep true to is your conviction about what you can and cannot handle. When you’re beginning your adoption journey, most likely one of the first exercises you’ll do is to think about what kind of child you’d prefer (boy, girl, trans-racial, infant, etc.) and what level of birthparent relationship you’d be comfortable with (open, no contact, etc.). In addition, there are medical conditions that may present themselves that will have an effect on your family and your relationship with this child for the rest of your lives. And there may be legal conditions that may make the adoption go smoothly or have the potential to go horribly wrong - from the red-tape of the individual states’ laws (not so bad) to a situation where there may be feuding birthfathers (pretty bad). So these decisions should not be made lightly, nor should you abondon them when a situation arises that goes against those convictions. Believe me, it’s so tempting and easy to do that when you haven’t had contact from a potential birthmother in a while - and downright impossible when you’re holding what could be your child in your arms. We were tempted many times to compromise our decisions, but ultimately we didn’t - and making the decision to not become desperate definitely helped when were presented with these situations.

By these decisions I mean this: We knew that there were certain medical conditions that we, as a couple, were not equipped to effectively handle. We didn’t have any illusions (or desire, to be honest) that we would be presented with a perfect baby. From our research into crack addition, fetal alchohol syndrome and the like, and knowing ourselves - our strengths and weaknesses - there were only a few conditions that would give us pause and carefully consider if the adoption plan presented to us was the right match. Some of these centered around medical conditions (really only one - exposure to alcohol), legal (the likelihood of getting TPRs, Native American, some states laws) but mostly we were concerned with the level of interaction between the birthmother/parents (and in some cases, the birthgrandparents) and us. We most definitely wanted to get to know the birthmother and have her get to know us in order to determine if we’re all a proper match, but we were not comfortable with the birthmother playing a large role in our child’s upbringing. Yes, there are studies and stories that say it is not confusing to the child, and we absolutely recognize the virtues of a completely open relationship if it is in the best interest of the child. But it was not right for us - ideally, we wanted to find a birthmother who wanted to know us, wanted periodic contact every year or so, but did not want to be a part of this child’s life for life. That was our ideal situation - we were presented with many situations that went against these ideals (and we were willing to compromise on some of our minor decisions), but ultimately we stuck to our guns, the right match came along and it worked beautifully in the end.

It’s so easy as adoptive parents to fall into the mindset that we are the ones being looked at under the microscope - by the agency, by the government, by the potential birthmother… And that is true to a certain extent. But we were reminded by a few professionals that it goes the other way too. While a potential birthmother is trying to determine if you are the right match for her, you should be trying to determine if this adoption plan is right for you. Taking this a step further to the revocation period, it’s easy to feel incredibly vulnerable when you’re waiting for that 10 days (or whatever the law is in your state) to pass, hoping the birthmother doesn’t change her mind. But were to asked to look at from the standpoint that this revocation period is also our opportunity to change OUR minds, to determine if this is the right baby/situation for us. It’s incredibly hard to think of it this way - just when your hard-fought dreams may be coming true, why would we consider passing on them? But look at this way - what if your worst case scenario came true, that is, hypothetically, what if the five things you identified as conditions you could not handle in an adoption were all unexpectedly now presented to you? How would you deal with them the next day, the next year, 20 years from now? Again, it is so incredibly hard to think of these things when you’re holding a baby that might be yours in a few weeks, but remember this is a life-long commitment on all sides and it has be right. Talk about pressure! My point here is not to promote being a picky adoptive parent, but rather to carefully consider this potential scenario when you’re first meeting a potential birthmother - this may help avoid heartbreak on both sides later.

So what were some these situations we were presented with that gave us pause? I will state up front: we sympathized with each and every birthmother who contacted us and we always tried to help. We never simply turned any birthmother away who was not the right match for us, but rather we would give her our agency counselor’s contact information then alerted our counselor in case the birthmother called. We felt a duty to offer some assistance even if it was clear we were not right for her.

The easy ones for us were those who asked for money right up front. Sometimes they were potential scams (see previous post) but we felt the majority were honestly without means and needed financial help, sometimes substantial help. Even if we wanted to help, we were not in a financial position to do this - plain and simple.

The next easy ones for us were those who wanted a great deal of contact after the adoption - like attending all birthday parties, holidays, weekly (and sometimes daily) contact. In at least one situation, the birthgrandparents wanted to be a big part of the child’s life - to the point of insisting we use the birthmother’s childhood cradle and other baby items. This was the extreme case, but we felt like they were looking for babysitters and not adoptive parents. Still, we had a level of contact that we were comfortable with and we stuck to that conviction. Sure, we could’ve said anything to the birthmother, agreed to any level of contact, then not follow through after the adoption was finalized, but that would have been just plain wrong. We’ll go through a lot to start a family, but we won’t do ANYTHING, if you understand. Now, I believe some states are moving towards considering pre-adoptive agreements more like contracts that are actionable if one party decided to ignore them. But check with your attorney and your own conscience before considering that route.

The not-so-easy ones revolved around legal issues. Some birthmothers did not know who the birthfather was (legally, there are ways to deal with this, though this also presented some health/history questions); some knew but didn’t want to involve the birthfather (bad, because no matter what, he has rights too). Some were from states whose laws are not exactly adoption-friendly and would have presented additional financial and logistical challenges if we were out of state. Some had Native American blood, and to the extent that the possibilty existed that the tribe could claim the baby (check with your attorney about this one - it’s complicated).

But easily the most difficult is that situation in which it seems like a good personality fit between you and the birthmother/parents and all the legal issues are not, well, issues, but there is still a great unknown about medical or ethnicity questions. Parenthood in general (we’ve found) is a great compromise - and adoption is certainly a lesson in compromise to the extreme. But even if you are absolutely convinced that you will not compromise on the most important issues to you (and I’m saying you shouldn’t, to keep what is in the best interest of the child in the long haul), you never know if those convictions will be challenged until the birth - or maybe not even then, but later. Do you invest time, effort and finances into this situation or do you wait for a more (seemingly) compatible plan? We are of the very strong conviction that you owe it the birthmother to be honest about your intentions - do not lead a birthmother on if you have doubts and are waiting for a better match. Trust goes both ways - not only is that bad karma, it’s just not humane.

The lesson we learned? There are no easy ways through adoption. Yes, it is incredibly rewarding and looking back, we are grateful we took this path - it has opened up our horizons farther than we could have imagined. While it was the hardest thing we’d ever done in our lives, it gave us strength to deal with almost anything thrown at us in life. “Hell, if we can go through adoption, we can handle a company layoff!” No comparison. We looked at adoption as a leap of faith for all involved. We took a leap of faith that our daughter’s birthmother would be honest with us and follow through on her promise to relinquish her baby to us. She took a leap of faith that we were not stringing her along, that we would also follow through on our promise to accept our child. Adoption is a beautiful experience - it’s business transaction - it’s the most wonderful journey and the most difficult at the same time. But at the end of the day, we can reflect on our adoption experience and know that there was a person out there who thought so much of us that she wanted to give us the greatest gift we could ever receive. And that feels kinda good.