Healthvues

Stress - or rather the triggers that generate the stress reaction - is part of our daily lives and we cannot totally eliminate it. Stress is also relative - what is a major source of anxiety for one person may be inconsequential for another. Since we can’t always control our environment, we can control our response to stressors. While stuck in a bumper-to-bumper traffic jam, what makes one person pound his fist on the steering wheel and scream while another settles back and listens to Beethoven? Reaction.

While we like to hope there are quick fixes to everything, the benefits of relaxation techniques are best realized when they are made part of your daily routine. However, during the course of producing our DVDs, and some personal experience, I’ve learned some quick and easy exercises you can use to help cope with immediate stressors.

Do a “Mini” - Breathe Deep
Has nothing to do with those cute little cars made by Cooper, or a character in the Austin Powers movies… well, maybe it can, but more on that below. A Mini is a short deep breathing exercise that will yield immediate results - less anxiety, peaceful feelings, lower heartrate… You’ve heard people say “take a deep breath?” This is it - ten big in-breaths. Use it before an important meeting, speaking in public, in that traffic jam. (For an actual demonstration, see our Stress & Relaxation Explained DVD.)

Relax those Muscles
If no one is around to give you a quick neck rub, you can do progressive muscle relaxation on your own. Close your eyes and try to imagine your body - your head, neck, shoulders, arms, and on down. Imagine those muscles are tight and constricting. Starting at the top of your head, consciously relax each muscle as you move down your body - visualize the stress being released and washing out of your body. Tighten and release your muscles - roll your shoulders - stretch your arms and legs.

The Sweet Spot - Visualization
We may joke of “going to our good place,” but it works. Think of a relaxing time or place you’ve experienced - or want to experience. Think of the sounds, the smells and the feelings you may experience. Probably not best done in traffic! But you may find a quiet time at the office or home.

Laugh is the Best Medicine
Maybe here’s where Austin Powers comes in… Studies have shown there is a positive link between laughter and feeling better - or in our case, reducing stress. Instead of renting the dark drama, try something light. Although I don’t advocate spreading unsoliticed emails - you know, those jokes that have been forwarded a million times before someone thinks it’s perfect for you - there are some legitimate web sites and desk calendars that provide a joke-of-the-day that you can subscribe to that will give you laugh at the start of your day. I actually visit YouTube occasionally to find the complete and utter nonsensical video - I just don’t forward it to anybody!

Turn off the News
I kept an informal log of my emotions while watching the nightly news - and I realized I was pretty much depressed every night. Between conflicts around the world, the doomed economy, and the advertisements touting remedies for ailments I didn’t even know I had, it became too much. I also don’t read the World News section in the daily paper much anymore. Of course, I’m not advocating becoming a hermit - you need to stay in touch at least some times, and becoming totally disconnected from reality will bring with it more problems you’ll have to deal with. But I found that if I’m in a good mood - if I had a great day at work - nothing brings me down quicker than the nightly news. Now, I figure if something of major significance happens, I’ll hear about it one way or another anyway.

Indulge in your Hobby
Sounds simple, but I believe we all need some sort of diversion for our bodies and brains to recuperate. Reading, painting, photography, scrapbooking - anything you have a passion for can help recharge your batteries. And it doesn’t really have to be something quiet - my passion is hot rodding. Getting behind the wheel of our 1949 Chevy, with 355 horses roaring, the smell of the hot oil and grease… Ah, Xanadu. And here’s where I can shoehorn in the Mini Cooper reference - if that’s your passion…

Get Out and Do Something
We can probably say with almost 100% certainty that everytime we had a social obligation that we didn’t feel like attending (not because of the occassion, but because we felt drained or down), they ended up being the best times we had. We met new people, we tried new things, we got out of the house and our box. People used to “go for a drive” (well, I still do) - now we go for a walk, visit a local point of interest you’ve always wanted to see… Point being, turn off the stimulus, take the long way home, shift into a lower gear.

These may seem trivial, but you’d be surprized at the big payoffs.

The Backstory
This DVD was actually part of the very first idea I had that would eventually become Healthvues. About 6 years ago, I was inspired by a television program I saw on PBS that was basically aerial footage of famous locations set to music. I found myself becoming relaxed while watching - and thought that maybe there were programs I could purchase that would give me a feeling of flying, like a bird, that I could use as a relaxation tool. More on my findings - and the results of which that led to our experiential DVDs - in the Guided Relaxation DVD backstory blog. But what I found not only lacked the elements of a true immersive experience (I talk about that in the GR blog), but what was out there only served as what I’d call a “band-aid” solution. In other words, while I watched or listened to the programs I purchased, I was relaxed. But soon after, I began to feel the same stresses I had before watching/listening. I was not addressed the underlying causes of why I felt the need to watch these programs in the first place.

I have a teaching background, having been a graduate assistant and later an adjunct professor at Syracuse University. Also, one of my hobbies is restoring and hot rodding old cars. So my mindset is this: In order to fix a problem, you must first recognize the symptoms of that problem, identify the causes of the problem, and have access to the tools that will help you fix (or respond to) that problem. If you give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day - but if you teach him to fish, he’ll eat for a lifetime. Simple…universal…and not altogether original. Same goes for stress reduction - in order for these relaxation tools to be more effective, you must understand where stress comes from, how it’s hardwired into our biology, what external forces makes us stressful, how it affects our health and what came we do about it. Only then do these relaxation programs become not an end-all, but another tool in our box of techniques to help us change our lives.

I actually began production on this title first while developing the initial site map that would become Infertility Explained. However, when Alice Domar came on board for IE, we determined that it would be the more marketable DVD and we wanted to take full advantage of Ali’s contacts and the doors she opened for this DVD. So S&RE was tabled until IE was finished. But I kept Ali in mind this title, since she is one of the foremost experts in mind/body medicine and relaxation after all!

Once IE was released and it was met with critical and commercial success, I approached Ali about helping me finish the stress DVD. While there are many relaxation CDs and DVDs on the market (including ours), there were only one or two programs that dealt with the underlying causes - and none that explored these topics to the extent I wanted to. She was interested, and seeing how IE was received by the participants and the public, she agreed to help develop the stress DVD - adding to the content I had mapped out.

I had always thought this DVD would be effective as a three-part program. Part 1 would explain how stress is evolved in our bodies (the fight-or-flight response); its physical, emotional and health effects; and an overview of the common techniques one can use to effectively respond to stress. I believe that an effective video program is one that provides a connection for the viewer - if the viewer can identify with the content, then the video is more effective in communicating its goal. This is true for all the programs I produce for my corporate, medical and broadcast clients under iMed Design - and this is especially true for this program.

So in Part 2, I wanted to show to viewer that these stressors are universal and that the average person is experiencing these on a daily basis, just like the viewer might be. We hired a “patient” to prove this point. We wanted a real person to go through real relaxation techniques, then tell us how they felt. Ideally, we wanted to find someone who had never used relaxation techniques before. We conducted interviews and found our perfect candidate in Julie. She is a single mother, owns her own business and has experienced all the normal problems with relationships, work, life, etc. that most of us experience. Most importantly, she was willing to be honest about them. The icing on the cake for us was that she had been experiencing stress and depression and had seen her physician about it. Her doctor wanted to prescribe medications, but Julie did not want to immediate resort to drugs to help her, but rather find altenative methods to deal with her reactions. She had never practiced relaxation techniques before, but knew she needed to be in a more peaceful state. In her words, she knew what she wanted but didn’t know how to get there. We conducted her two-camera shoot one evening (during a blizzard, I might add) to make sure what we did was real time, not edited. Nothing was rehearsed or scripted. We first interviewed her about her background, her childhood, her present situation, and explored what is was about her current life that makes her stressed out. Again, all universal stuff. Then we guided her through a relaxation experience to show her (and the viewer) how to use the relaxation tools we talk about in Part 1. Finally, we wanted to see her reaction - if she was truly in a relaxed state - and she was. This was the perfect illustration of helping the viewer identify with our content and showing the viewer that it works.

In Part 3, I wanted to give the viewer a sample relaxation experience that they could then do on their own, using the newfound tools and background information they learned in Parts 1 and 2 to help them help themselves. It also serves as a sample of what you can expect on our Guided Relaxation experiential DVDs.

Not only have we finally finished what was supposed to be our first title, but we’ve are very pleased to discover that our original idea was right on the money. Stress & Relaxation Explained was recognized this year with a national Telly Award for excellence in health and wellness programming. It has received a lot of press attention (with more to come). And we have been approached by and included in the catelogs of colleges, educational distributors in the US, Canad and Europe, and several on-line distribution companies. S&RE has been a rewarding experience for us on many levels and serves as a foundation for the rest of our Relaxation Series.

The Backstory
One of the aspects of infertility I wanted to explore in Infertility Explained was adoption being an option. This, of course, is a misnomer because it makes it sound like adoption is a second-best alternative to starting or adding to one’s family. The reality is that adoption is NOT an “alternative” but rather an equally rewarding (and difficult) journey. Making the decision to get off the infertility roller coaster and explore adoption (or remain childless) - or explore adoption while undergoing treatments - is the reality of many infertility patients, including us. I wanted to at least present the notion of exploring adoption while undergoing treatments and what additional emotional challenges that path brings. After all, that was our personal decision - whichever worked first, treatment or adoption, would be our path. Whether that dual path made our journey more difficult or not is a moot point now, but with some forethought (based on information), we may have done things differently.

Alice Domar was instrumental in opening up doors to get nationally recognized experts to appear on Infertility Explained. We had a list of topics, she attached potential participants to those topics and made the initial contact. I took it from there. The name she thought of for this adoption aspect was Patricia Johnston, noted adoption author, publisher and multiple adoptive parent herself. She recognized the value of what we were doing, but also thought that a similar empowerment tool (the DVD) could be done for adoption. While trying to figure out the logistics of meeting her somewhere in the country for her interview, she suggested I attend the NACAC conference in Minneapolis where there might be opportunities to interview other adoption experts who were all assembled in one place.

I developed a list of topics that I would like to get in the can. These topics were based on what we, as adoptive parents ourselves, had experienced during our own journey - how to decide that adoption is right for you; how to decide which path to go; legal and contractual issues; special needs and medical issues; and others. The questions I developed led to more questions, and with her guidance and suggestions, I quickly had a lengthy “to-do” list. Pat was instrumental in contacting participants for this production and introduced me to many experts.

I rented a hotel suite and over an intensive 2-day period, I (along with Pat’s help) interviewed these participants, resulting in about 8 hours worth of raw footage. Initially, these interviews were supposed to be incorporated into Infertility Explained as an adoption topic, but I quickly realized that there was far too much compelling information to effectively edit down to sound bites. I decided that Adoption Explained would be Healthvues’ second title.

But it became clear that a single DVD would be limiting, so I made the decision to split the content into two DVDs: International and Domestic. Beyond the basic differences between the two bureaucratic processes, many of the topics that we have categorized into one type of adoption are actually very applicable to the other. For example, the role of the Medical Review (international), its indicators and results are also applicable to the photos and videos one might receive from a domestic agency. The issues that might affect a child in an orphanage in an Eastern Bloc country are the same issues that some neglected kids face here in the States. As more countries adopt levels of disclosure and openness in their foreign adoption processes, domestic open adoption issues become borderless. Legal contracts… transracial considerations… medical and cultural background differences… all are almost transposable to either type of adoption.

Currently, we offer the DVDs separately, but to those first considering adoption, they are both valuable.

The Journey
Toward the latter stages of our infertility treatments (see the Infertility Explained backstory blog), we began to consider adoption as an option. Actually, we had always considered it because it was not important to us that our child be biologically linked to us. But we did want an infant and, being first-time parents and inexperienced, we had decided there were some conditions we were not prepared to handle.

Foster Care
We contacted several adoption agencies in our area to get an idea of the process, cost and timeframes. On the recommendation of a friend, we contacted our county’s social services and signed up for the foster care/adoption program. We spent 11 weeks going through the parenting classes and more weeks going through the home study process. The classes dealt more with how to handle children were exposed to horrific situations - certainly there is a dark side to the human condition. While valuable, we thought the classes were designed to weed out the weak-stomached potention foster parents (and those who might be considering it for the stipends). But, they were supportive of those parents who were honest with their feelings and with what they officially stated they could handle and not handle. We were approved and put on the waiting list.

Long story short: It was not for us. First, we disagreed with the state’s mandate that families are to be reunited at all costs (with the exception of sexual abuse), which meant that the probability existed that a child placed in our care would eventually be returned to an environment that may not be any more safe or stable than when they left it. That would be hard to witness. Second, we were presented with two adoption opportunities which were not handled with the compassion we expected. The first was a new-born who was crack exposed. The social worker called us late one evening with the news. Not knowing anything about crack addition at the time (there wasn’t much information available), we asked if we could have until the morning to do some research to determine if we could handle it - she assured us we could have that time. We did a flurry of research, from internet searches, to late night calls to medical clients (who in turn called their contacts), and a lot of soul searching. We learned that there would be challenges but certainly surmountable with the right intervention and we decided we could do this. We called the social worker the first thing the next morning, as we promised, but she told us that after she got off the phone with us the previous night, she continued down the list of adoptive families and found one who take the baby - despite telling us we would have the night to think about it! We were very hurt by her actions, and she admitted that she misled us but was seemingly uninterested in our pain. This was our very first experience with coming close to an adoption.

The second opportunity came the morning we had to travel out of town for my father’s funeral, who had passed away after a few months of struggling after from a stroke. We had desired a newborn but decided we would be open to adopting a child up to about 3-4 years depending on the conditions. Having gone through the parenting classes, we had specified that we were not equipped to handle children who hurt animals (we had pets who we dearly loved) or who were firestarters. We were assured that there were many foster families with many more stipulations and this was not unusual and would be honored. Well, the morning we were packing we got a call from the same social worker as above - she had a video of little boy who had been with a foster family for some time and was now available for adoption. She came over and we watched the short prepared video together. The boy was sweet, happy, attentive and interacting with the foster family. We asked why wouldn’t the foster family (who had other children who loved this boy too) adopt him and she only told us that the couldn’t. All seemed good until we asked about his background (key: we had to pry information from her - she did not offer much willingly) and she informed us that his problems were he liked to start fires and he had been known to hurt animals - the only two things we stated we could not accept! She was bit pushy but we were adamant about needing the weekend to consider it, given the emotions of what we were going through with the passing and funeral of my father. She knew about our adoption conditions but felt he was a good match for us (based on what, she didn’t elaborate), but we were emphatic that it didn’t look like a good fit to us but we would still take the weekend to think about it. We did a lot of soul searching and ultimately decided to go with our gut instinct that this was not a good fit for us. When we returned, we immediately called her and informed her that while we appreciate being thought of candidates, we could not overcome the challenges this case presented. Her reaction was shocking - she was furious with us. She said that after showing the video to us, she went over to the adoptive family’s house and told them that she had found a match and even told the boy that she had found parents for him!!! Needless to say, we were incredulous that she could ignore our file, our visible reaction to the video and the very honest and clear discussion we had with her that we would probably not be the best fit for him! She then tried to shame us into agreeing to adopt him, but we made the decision right then and there that the foster care system - at least with our county, with this staff and at this point in time - was not right us. We pulled our name from the rolls.

Looking back, we came to the realization that the social worker was just doing her job - finding a home for available children as quickly and as efficiently as possible, even if that meant a little deception was warrented. Perhaps it was this particular social worker and perhaps our experience would have been different with another. We understood that the system is overloaded and getting worse - and we are certainly compassionate about all kids deserving love and a stable environment, no matter their background. But we were uncomfortable with the process - we were green and felt our inexperience was being used as a tool to place a child at any cost.

Private Agency - International
We briefly explored international adoption but the cost (at the time, given our situation) was prohibitive to us. We had several friends and clients who had successfully adopted from various countries and they were honest with us in relating their challenges. And luckily, we had one of the country’s most respected, well-known and successful Chinese adoption agencies located literally a mile from our doorstep. All the pieces seemed in place for us except that cost. So we tabled that option while we explored domestic options. (After our successful adoption, we actually came back to that agency and signed up for a Chinese adoption, was approved, made all the announcements to friends and family, but ultimately backed out when a change in the rules prevented us from including our daughter in this adoption process - we could not take her with us to China even if we brought along another adult guardian at our expenses.)

Private Agency - Domestic
We explored many domestic agencies, from faith-based agencies to all-inclusive broad-based agencies. We were realistic with the time frames and since we already had the home study from our foster experience, the cost was a bit more manageable for us. We had rejected the notion of open adoption because we feared involvement from the birthparents would lead to confusion in our child’s mind and would open the door for a reclaim at any time. Of course, we learned these fears were myths, but at a time when we were deciding which path was right for us, these factors fell into the “cons” category and not the “pros.” Plus, we saw the 20/20 and Dateline episodes devoted to sensational adoption stories gone wrong (another myth).

By this time, our financial situation allowed us more options. Honestly, I don’t remember why we didn’t revisit the international journey again - maybe because our heads were now firmly planted on a domestic journey. But now our decisions on which way to adoption were more motivated by gut feeling, emotions and what felt “right” as opposed to more logistical factors like the cost, timeframe and location. None of the domestic options we came across felt right to us in some form or another. Almost by accident, we revisited an open adoption agency’s web site (which we had initially rejected but still bookmarked) and discovered they had an informational seminar coming up in our area and we decided to attend. It was a lark moment that changed our lives.

This is where our exploration phase ended and our real adoption journey began. To read more, visit the Our Open Adoption Travelogue blog for a day-by-day account of our ultimate success.

Thanks for reading!