Healthvues

The Backstory
Infertility Explained came about from personal experience. Around 1990, my wife and I began to try to conceive to start our family. I had been working as a video producer, animator and interactive designer for about 10 years at the time. We figured that with everything we were told in high school about conceiving - meaning: it’s so easy to get pregnant that even a toilet seat is hostile territory! - we’d have no problem once we stopped using contraception. And as with most couples, especially at that time, we turned to her OB/GYN for help when things weren’t working.

I had the “boys” checked - they were fine. We tried Clomid for 18 months straight before it was protocol to only stay on it for 6 months. Nothing. We tried a hysterosalpingogram to see if her tubes were blocked (and to open them up if they were) - one was just about gone and the other was indeed blocked. But that didn’t work either. My wife developed an infection in her abdomen (not a result of the HSG) that nearly took her life and required hospitalization for a few weeks. During surgery, they discovered a massive amount of old scar tissue surrounding her tubes and ovaries that were most likely a result of an emergency appendectomy at age 3. She basically had no tubes left and only one ovary, but it appeared to be functional. Her OB/GYN (who did the surgery and got the infection under control) said that it would have been a miracle if she became pregnant at any time in her life. All that money spent on contraception over the years!

We saw an ad for a local infertility clinic that was starting in our town and decided to attend their informational seminar. We liked what we heard and made an appointment. The doctor was very caring and empathetic, but the only educational materials he could give us were very complicated JAMA type articles, filled with terms and language that would make a lawyer confused. He admitted that that was best available. An offhand comment of mine (”If you ever need a website…” - and he did) led to the development of what we think was the first interactive, humanistic educational program for infertility patients that was written BY patients - namely us. An Interactive Guide to Infertility was a comprehensive CD-ROM program that explained in detail the diagnostic tests and various procedures that constituted Advanced Reproductive Techniques (ART), complete with high-end graphics and video.

All this time, we were undergoing treatment, so we intimately knew from which we spoke. We went through - oh… I think 8 cycles of IVF treatments. She had another surgery to try to remove all that scare tissue and her bladder was nicked in the process. We went through more rounds of IVF with donor eggs. Contrary to logic - her uterus was perfectly fine and there was no reason why she shouldn’t carry an embryo to term - none of the embryos implanted ever took. The emotional toll on both of us (mainly her though) was extraordinarily difficult. Our friends and family never really understood what we were going through. However, our marriage was strong to begin with, we committed to being on the same page no matter what, and this actually made us stronger. I had been charged with exploring adoption as an option for us during the latter stages of our treatments (read the backstory on our Adoption Explained DVDs in this blog) and in early 2000, we decided to stop treatments altogether and get off the roller coaster.

The CD-ROM was very well received and I decided to try to take it national. We attended the 2002 American Society of Reproductive Medicine’s annual worldwide conference in Seattle as an exhibitor. The idea was try to sell the CD to other clinics and organizations as a customizable educational tool. It was very well received and garnered the interest of many organizations, including the FDA. I was empaneled to speak to during the conference’s video program and was informed that this was the first time a commercial product had ever been invited to present. Interest in the CD soared and I believe it is still in use by some clinics and pharmacies.

The CD was certainly rewarding but I had always wanted to include more of the emotional risks and effects of infertility. Alternative treatments, like mind/body medicine, relaxation techniques and acupunture, were beginning to be looked at as enhancements to ART. So I wanted to include those as well. I began working on version 2 of the CD and decided that a DVD would be more user friendly.

Through a chance set of circumstances, I was introduced to Dr. Alice Domar, a pioneer in mind/body medicine, women’s issues and infertility, and presented my ideas. The clinic she was associated with, Boston IVF, coincidentally was looking to enhance their own educational outreach programs. Names were passed, doors were opened, and before long, through Ali’s contacts and reputation, we had a long list of national experts and other patients signed on to help develop the content that was to become Infertility Explained. With the generous help from BostonIVF, the DVD was released in October of 2004 at the ASRM conference in Philadelphia.

Because of our personal experience with just about all kinds of infertility treatments for an extended period of time, I was able to interview these participants from the perspective of the patient and develop the DVD in a compassionate, decidedly humanistic viewpoint. It was an instant hit at the ASRM conference and the 2005 ACOG conference (OB/GYNs) in San Francisco and continues to garner media attention and sell well. We have received many heartwarming emails and letters from people who have been helped by the emotional aspects of the DVD - including some unexpected sources: the mother of a fertility patient thanked us because she had not idea what her daughter was going through. The mother did not have problems with pregnancy in her day and the daughter was not very open to discussing it because she didn’t think her mother understood. The mother told us that the DVD helped her to understand the emotional roller coaster her daughter was going through and now their relationship is better because of it. That’s the kind of stuff we were aiming for - helping people.

Will there be an update? We’ve talked about it but nothing’s in the works right now. While some of the treatments have been updated, they are still basically the same. And the market is now expanded as more fertile women are using ART to control their pregnancy. But the emotional aspects we discuss are still as powerful and universal as there a few years ago. That’s probably why it continues to be a viable and popular title. We may produce a Spanish language version one day (we’ve had enough inquiries to almost justify the cost). But for now, it remains our flagship DVD.

In March of 2001, we successfully adopted our daughter through an open, domestic adoption. Because of the many friends and family who wanted had supported us and wanted to follow our daily moves, we decided to keep a daily log of our journey. We would send out a weekly email blast to everyone. The blog that follows here is the compilation of that travelogue.

The Backstory
We married in 1989 and when we felt the time was right, we started to try conceiving to start our family. But like almost one quarter of the population, we found out we were infertile. We went through almost 10 years of infertility treatments (and almost all the while exploring adoption options - we were on two parallel courses), we were finally led to the path we were supposed to take.

Adoption Options
We first explored international options, since having a child that looked like us (at least as far as adoption was concerned) was not important to us. Plus, we like adventure - we like traveling and exploring new locations. But the expense of international adoption did not allow it to be a viable option for us. So we then explored public agency, or the foster care system. We took the parenting classes for 11 weeks so we could be certified foster parents (which would lead to adoptive parents). Unfortunately, our own personal beliefs did not match the state-mandated policy of the foster care system, which was to reunite biological families at all costs (with the exception of cases of sexual abuse). We were told that if we could not handle the thought of a child, that we may have become attached to, being placed back into the environment that may not be any better than when it was removed, then perhaps public agency adoption was not for us. We thought we could handle it but decided to go through at adoptive-only. We passed and were eventually presented with two different opportunites - but the circumstances with the adminstration of these opportunities (without going into detail) proved to us that foster care - at least this jurisdiction at the time - was not the journey for us.

We came upon Open Adoption through an internet search and attended an informational seminar given by the Independent Adoption Center (IAC). We immediately felt we were in the right place. We realized that open adoption didn’t necessarily mean that the birthmother (or birthparents) were going to be a daily part of our child’s life - a concept we were uncomfortable with. But that an open adoption can take many forms - including a way for the adoptive and birth parents to get to know one another to ensure that the child is a perfect match. This is what we had been looking for.

There are many blogs and forums dedicated to open adoption and the IAC in particular - many of them not flattering, but many also supportive. Our intention here is not criticize any organization per se - we had just as many rewards as complaints with our chosen agency - but to present a realistic description of an adoption journey - and a very successful one!

We passed our home study with flying colors. We wrote our Dear Birthmother letter in a very honest tone, and one that differed from the agency’s formula. We figured that a birthmother would be more interested in why we wanted to adopt, our honesty in our infertility, and not really care what the decor of the future baby’s nursery looked like. We built a website, again eschewing the agency’s recommended content and supported our own theory of openness and honesty. It worked - in the 18 months we were officially “available,” we had over 20 serious contacts from birthmothers - a figure that even astounded the agency brass. Our letter became a model for other adoptive parents.

We found that there were basically three categories of birthmothers: 1) those who were serious about adoption plans; 2) those who did not know if they were serious, just kicking tires (so to speak), because of the situation they found themselves in; and 3) scammers, both financial and emotional, who prey on the sometimes desperate adoptive parents. We had made a promise to ourselves before we began our journey - to not become desparate any cost, and that hard decision worked to our advantage in every single challenge that was presented to us. We had our share of birthparents from all three categories, and unfortunately we experienced one scam so disturbing that we called the authorities, but mostly they were from the first two. In fact, the very first birthmother was a young woman who had became pregant and didn’t know where to turn. We talked for a few weeks and got to know each, then contact broke off. Maybe it was sign, but after our successful adoption, she emailed us out of the blue telling us that things had worked out wonderfully for her, that she kept her baby, that she and her boyfriend got married, and that she was grateful to us for listening to her and being honest with her - unknowingly at the time, we had helped her through the most difficult part of her life. She was thrilled to hear we had adopted and she sent us pictures of that first baby and the new baby they had just had. Her life turned out great and we felt blessed to have helped someone so in need of compassion at the time.

Not long after that first contact, we were matched with a teenager in Atlanta who knew we were right for her. No need to go into the gory details here, but we experienced every adoptive parents’ worst nightmare - a birthmother changing her mind and keeping the baby. In our case, it was at the hospital, after the birth and at the time of sign off. One of our lowest points, to be sure, but with the experience of infertility and early struggles with adoption, we made another pact with each other that we would not get mired down with negative influences. In our journey, we had a singular goal (a child) and if you could not help us, then get out of our way. While this experience was painful, this attitude helped us through it - or least gave us the courage to table these emotions for a while. Besides, this was not the baby we were supposed to have. With every seemingly failure, our attitude (though very difficult to adhere to at times) was that someone or something “up there” was telling us to hold off - don’t worry - we have something far more wonderful planned for you. And it was true.

A very short while after that episode, we were contacted by the birthmother of our daughter. It was not an easy road - we became efficient at weeding out birthmothers who were not good matches for us (never just discarding the geniune ones, but referring them to our agency’s counselors) and asking all the hard questions up front (about drugs, alcohol use, etc.). There were times when we felt this was not the match for us and there were some extremely difficult times, but no matter what we did - us and the birthmother - no matter how much we each contemplated backing out, there seemed to be a force that kept us together. And the result was the child we were meant to have all along - through all those fertility treatments, through all those adoption option explorations, through all those other birthmothers - this is and always was our child.

Of course, hindsight is 20/20 and the joys of parenthood have erased the pains of getting here, but we would not change one bit of our journey - it has made us who we are as a family. Sure, there are some lessons that we think we really didn’t need to learn, but this is our journey - not anyone else’s - and we are so much more appreciative of the gifts we have received because of it.

The Match
Our birthmother found our web site and she put it, stopped in her tracks after reading hundreds of web sites in her research in finding adoptive parents. She contacted us through email - that was her preferred method of contact because it was easy. We spoke on the phone only a few times. We got the agency involved at the right time - in fact, that turned out to be one our first tests with potential birthmothers: if they were willing to talk to our agency, they were serious - if they weren’t, they probably we not serious or may be scams. She was but wanted all contact between us to be direct (as did we). After a few months of getting to know each other, we decided it was time to actually meet face to face. We were in New York, she was in Missouri, so we flew out to Branson, MO for a meeting. It was such an odd feeling, meeting a total stranger that is obviously pregnant (to be painfully honest, that was one of the reasons for the meetings for us - to see if she was actually pregnant), and that baby may be your child. Surreal… We discussed all the things the agency wanted us to discuss since we were doing this match meeting on our own without their presence - who would be in the delivery room, who would care for the baby while in the hospital, if there would be any entrustment ceremonies, etc. The details sounded silly at times, but we were grateful that we at least broached those details when the excitement and anxiety of the birth came around.

We also took the opportunity to set up and visit our home-away-from-home - Siloam Springs, AR. Through a very weird twist of fate, one of my clients (who is also an adoptive father) wondered why I looked so glum one day. This was on the heels of the failed adoptive above, so I told him, knowing he would understand. He did, of course, and further offered to give me the name of a friend of his who is an adoption attorney and genuine good person, if I ever wanted to talk to someone else. And, he says, if you ever find yourself in Northwest Arkansas, she would be an excellent attorney. We still laugh at that statement and how amazing that prophecy would come true a few weeks later!

You may know this already, but adoption laws follow states’ rule - and each state can be different in terms of revocation periods, representation, foster care during proceedings, etc. The laws that apply depend on where the baby is born. The birthmother lived just over the border in Missouri (which has some of the most arcane adoption laws in the nation) from Arkansas (which has some of the most humanistic). All agreed that it was in the best interest of the adoption if the baby could be born in Arkansas, so that’s what we all worked towards. We found an OB/GYN woman doctor for her in Harrison, AR, about 20 minutes from her, who in turn set up the hospital. Our new attorney set the wheels in motion for the legal proceedings. Her parents allowed us to use their guest house during our stay, because Arkansas required one of the parties (birthmother or adoptive parents) to be a legal resident of the state in order to adopt there. Since she didn’t, and we wanted to make sure we did everything to the letter of the law, we had to make the decision to physically move to Arkansas to become residents. The law states that we become legal residents after 30 days of residency. And those 30 some-odd days there are some of the best experiences of our lives. Talk about expanding your horizons! Not only are we kicked out of our comfort zone by infertility, but now to be kicked out of our physical comfort zone… and the people we met who looked after us, and the ones we didn’t meet who took care of us, will forever be in our hearts.

Which brings us to this blog. This travelogue picks up when we left our home in Syracuse, NY to “move” to Arkansas. Luckily, I have a career that allowed me to work remotely (and an employer who had the patience to let me do it, but in reality I would have chosen the adoptive journey over my employment there, so there really wasn’t a choice if they wanted to retain me). We had a dog but our family was able to take her and care for her while we were away (good thing they are dog lovers too!). And of course, we had our friends and family who prayed for us daily and kept in contact to boost our spirits when they were down.

So enjoy the journey - it was heartwarming for us to revisit it!

Maybe it was a sign of things to come, but we were greeted at the airport by a skycap who promptly told us our flight had been cancelled. No courtesy call, no planned rebooking. Then we find out we have too much baggage (what, we can’t take 4 bags each? With baby stuff, it adds up) and it was going to cost us another $75 per bag! The part of Spike’s brain that wanted to spew obscenities was quickly taken over by the emotions of the event. Through teary eyes, she mutters to the agent, “Can you cut us a break, we’re on our way to adopt our first child?” Surprisingly, this argumentative tactic works splendidly (we’ll have to use that in the future) and we get on the next Delta flight - which will theoretically get us into Little Rock 3 hours earlier, AND we don’t have to pay any extra baggage fees. Theoretically, because the next flight has cabin pressure problems (the optimists in us say it was better they found that out at 300 feet above sea level than at 30,000 feet up!). They find us another plane and we arrive in Little Rock at pretty much the same time we would have on United. All in all, we were still pretty chipper. Despite the fact that Thrifty Rent-a-Concept did not have our pre-arranged vehicle (apparently the notion of “reservation” is more of a guideline than company policy - anyone remember the Seinfeld episode?), we got a car, loaded our luggage and headed off to Siloam Springs - a mere 4 hours’ drive away down I-40. I remember driving this exact same highway nearly 20 years ago on a cross-country (and back) journey right after college graduation. Never in my wildest dreams would I have guessed that I’d be back on this same highway for a journey of an entirely different sort, though just as life altering.

There are times in a person’s life when the hand of Fate gently guides us to our destination. There are other times when we get slapped in the back of the head as if to say, “Whassamatter wit you? Whaddya thinking!?” It was such a time in a restaurant called El Chico, which loosely translates into “stay away from the burrito.” On a serious note, the CPR course we took (thanks, Sarah!) came in handy as Andy had to use the Heimlich on Spike several times in the middle of the restaurant. After all we have been through to get here, to come so close to losing it all because of choking on a Mexican meal complete with not being able to breathe was certainly absurd. After several heimlichs, Andy was able to restore breath and everything ended up fine….Be prepared for future lectures to all of you who are not CPR certified… Truly a very scary episode… we grossed out the entire restaurant and the busboy earned his pay. Oh, in case you’re wondering, Andy boxed all the food and ate it later. EDITOR’S NOTE!!! Let’s not forget one very important travel tip…With the exception of almost losing his wife in a Mexican Restaurant (without the benefit of a margarita, I might add), Andy is in a great mood ALL DAY…As any of you who have had the pleasure of traveling w/Andy will appreciate, this in and of itself is a miracle… Andy is never in a good mood on a travel day, he worries about everything, but go figure, he’s downright chipper…very weird….

We unpacked and set off to retrieve all the computer equipment that Andy had shipped out earlier so he could continue working. We discovered that the WalMart SuperCenter they were constructing in December (the last time we were here) was complete and ready for us. There seems to be a perpetual Ray of Light shining down upon it from the heavens and the Angels sing Halleluyah (or some spelling to that effect) everytime we step foot into this cathedral of Falling Prices - at least if you ask Spike. Everything wearable, edible, livable and cleanable - Sam’s pantheon to consumerism is our newest, bestest friend. Spike has become unnaturally attached to a marketing concept - but let’s not forget the unnatural reality of calling Arkansas “home” for 30 offical days. After stocking up on food and staples, we head back to our humble abode.

Maryland got spanked by Virginia on ESPN.

We should point out that we are in constant contact with our birthmother. She is doing well, but not getting enough rest because she says the baby is very active at night. She feels it is soon. Our hosts, or “landlords,” are the kind the people that make you pledge to yourself that you will pass on the same unconditional generosity in the future that has been shown to you - “paying it forward” so to speak. This adventure would be so much more stressful and scary if not for the interest and compassion of Gloria and Mike. And we are extremely grateful for finding Dena (Mike and Gloria’s daughter), our lawyer and now friend. We feel very protected - both legally and emotionally - maybe these are our rewards. Unfortunately, Mike is in the hospital due to some health problems but always asks if we’ve heard about the baby yet. He’ll be OK, and we’re very happy to be able to help out with their dogs (2 big, goofy Dobermans) and whatever else we can do. Perhaps this baby will be their reward too. It is our wish that you all are touched by the kindness of strangers in some point in your lives, in the same way we have been blessed on this journey. Oh about the actual happenings of the day? Just work and finding the Fed Ex drop.

Andy discovers that there are 7 more channels on the TV that were not programmed! He programs them - and we find out why they were deleted. Northwest Arkansas seems to possess more religious television channels than any place on the wired earth. We’re not talking the Catholic Channel on Cable 22 back home in Syracuse… We’re talking stompin’, singin ‘, healin’ and generally bad-leisure-suit-and-blue-hair down home revivals! Two of ‘em are in Spanish! Kinda makes you wish Jake and the Fatman was still in syndication… And just so the collective marketing genius that makes up the Greater NW Arkansas advertising community doesn’t go unnoticed, we are treated daily to the wonderful commercials of Sissy’s Log Cabin (purveyor of fine jewelry and diamonds), the Hanky Brothers (South Park fans will get this) and Hank’s Furniture, a combination of Crazy Eddie and Joe Cocker, where the prices are so low that the owner “is off [my] medication” and the leather sofas are so new, that “they were worn by a cow to work just a week ago.” We are not making this stuff up - you CAN’T make this stuff up.

As we said, Fate has played a major role in our adoption journey. Sometimes Fate is merciful - sometimes cruel. And sometimes Fate thinks it’s funny - it led us to the only dry county in the Greater NW Arkansas area. Siloam Springs is smack in the center of Benton County - dry. There are two places to get a drink around here: The Navajo Indian Nation, less than a mile from our doorstep; and the bar at Dawn Hill, which is actually a very nice, prestigious golf and country club. Since our bloodlines don’t allow us membership into the former group, we decided to join the ranks of paying members of Dawn Hill. For the astronomic price of $5 per year, the full benefits and priviledges of membership are extended to us. Which seem to consist of waiting an hour for a simple sandwich and enduring the throngs of Arkansas Razorback fans on sports night. Which isn’t so bad, after all, their colors are Red and White - Andy fits in just fine. By the way, the Bushwood reference is from Caddyshack, and although there is no harbor here, they do have their own Lefty and Scoob - we actually witnessed it! Maybe every bar has them…

Other than that, the biggest event of the day was fixing a flat on our rental car. Of the dozens and dozens of rental cars we’ve, well…rented over the years, NEVER have we had a flat. Back to the WalMart SuperCenter for a new set of treads. If they only had an OB/GYN department and a laundromat, we’d never have to leave!

Having talked to the birthmother last night, we felt confident exploring our world without too much fear of getting “the call” just yet. We went to Eureka Springs, AR - a very cozy and quaint little historic town that seems literally carved out of the terraced rocks that are in this part of the Ozarks. We really felt like those little porcelain figures in a Dicken’s Village set up. It seems no one throws anything away in this part of the country - they get a booth at an antique mall and wait for saps like us to come along. Most of the stuff you wouldn’t think once about, but occasionally there is an undervalued treasure of such magnitude that you just can’t pass it up. If this adoption all works, we’ll treat you all to an actual photo of said treasure, but to reveal it here would hint at the sex of the baby - so you have to wait. Sorry, Peg.

(Ed. Note: the “find” was a Maryland Terrapin cheerleader Barbie doll.)

Been here a week already - thank God we’re not in some Motel 6 somewhere or we’d REALLY go nuts. We keep our cell phone on constantly (now referred to as the “Batphone”) because the birthmother knows to call that number when she goes into labor. We want to send a special thank you to those of you who have called us on the Batphone, thus sending us into cardiac arrest, thinking it was “the call.” Whenever we go out, we throw in the baby’s gear, the cameras and a bag packed for us. The car is always gassed up. Between us, our hosts, our lawyer, our agency counselor and the doc - there are about a half dozen people waiting to jump into action when “the call” comes - as well as an avalanche of legal proceedings. It can get pretty nerve-wracking. It’s actually very heartwarming to think of the logistics of an adoption - there are so many people involved, all committed to this one child, to providing the emotional and legal support to ensuring this child has a good life. Puts a lot of things in perspective.